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I Don’t Thrive In Darkness Anymore

I ran across a verse today in my bible study.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It made me think of different situations around me. I have a brother who because of a heavy drug addiction let his life go and now suffers greatly for it. He is now on disability and has several health issues. I know a lady who thrives on her being ill along with her children, as I read about it constantly, yet none are really that sick. I myself have “played victim” in a vast world of “look at me’s” that surround and consume us, drowning the OK ones out for good.

I think we want the darkness, we want bad stuff to happen. Not too bad of course because then it gets serious but we want the compassion, attention, empathy from others that playing the victim gets us. I used this all too often for my own advantage, even within my family. Having “mental” parents is a blessing to someone whose trying to manipulate the situation to then be all about them.

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I know it sounds horrid, but true. And truth is where I wanted to go. I didn’t want to thrive in the darkness anymore, I wanted to go into the light! The day I gave my life over to Christ a whole new light open up to me. I still struggle, living with a bi-polar mom and emotional abusive/high anxiety step-dad along with my hubby and kids believe me I have my days. BUT…. God sees me through it all!

I don’t play victim anymore. If either of them have an episode then I pray, I go visit a friend, I read, I craft, I… the thing is I step away from the situation. I can’t change them, they have to change themselves. I can’t change where I am, but I can change who I am.

They aren’t angry or hurt or upset with me, they are angry and hurt and upset because of the past they continue to hang on too and lashing out at a happy person set on peace with God is the best way to deal. I know this because I did it too. So like the ones I hurt in the past with my outlash of jealousy stings I smile and pray for them. God changed my heart, I thought an extremely impossible feat. So I know he can change theirs.

Psalm 4:1 “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress: have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”

For now I choose to stay in the dark, sacrificing for Christ. The light surrounds me though so as I stumble I’m able to find my way up again. I won’t complain though, I will thank God for giving me the chance to do this for His Glory.

I can’t see God’s plan and I’m glad. I’d want to make a million and one changes and then end up ruining the whole thing. I have to let my walls down and give in to trust. A big step for me, yet for God, I fall back blindlessly knowing He’ll catch me every time.

Romans 12:10 “be devoted to one another in love. honor one another above yourselves.”