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Posts tagged ‘daddy issues’

Overcoming The Hurtful Ones

I was such a daddy’s girl when I was little. I think most little girls are. He was in the military and we moved around. Mama was a stay at home mama. Our lives were pretty good. Then at 14 yrs old it all got flipped upside down. Daddy had been having an affair and was leaving Mama. They got divorced and he moved away. It was states away as we moved closer to Mama’s family and he went where the military told him to go.

One year after he had been gone my brothers and I decided to go live with him. I know now as a Mama myself going through the same thing just what my own Mama went through. Yet just a bit because as I can see my son every other weekend or so and he only lives about 30 mins away all three of my Mama’s kids took off and moved states away for a little over a year. In that year we saw that our “daddy” was becoming someone else’s daddy and not as close to us as he once was. I was ready for my Mama and so were my brothers. Although we loved and still love our baby Sis we needed our Mama, Daddy was just different with his new family.

I never moved back with him. He is now on his 7th marriage and while he’s been in and out of my life the most conflicted riff was when my oldest was 5 yrs old and I was engaged to my husband. My father didn’t approve, I married my step-brother (we were not raised together and are not blood) we had become the best of friends that lead down the path of marriage. My father called my work to tell me how horrific this abomination was. How against God I went in my actions. That the innocent blood of my son would be on my hands at judgement. He said I was no daughter of his, whoring around like this. Then he called my boss at his person home to tell him how ill moral my character was and that he should let me go. Thank the Lord I had a pretty terrific boss that was a very good friend and didn’t pay one ounce of attention to my father.

I told my son that his Grandpa had said some bad stuff to me and made me cry. That you shouldn’t treat people like that and that we wouldn’t have anything to do with him again. He cried but he understood and was angry that his Mama had been hurt.

10 yrs went by and my baby Sis was in contact with our father. She would give him pics of my oldest and my two other boys and tell him all about my life. I didn’t mind and had even seen him in the store once in a while. Time had passed and healed my wounds. I actually missed my daddy. I wanted to give him another chance! I wanted to have him in my life! Have him meet his new grandsons! I talked to my hubby and he was hesitant. After that last blow up and our tremulous life anyway he was afraid it would end badly again. I told him we’d take it slow and not let our boys get too attached.

It was mother’s day and I was ready. I had spoken on the phone with him several times. I had written him a letter laying down the rules this time of our problems of before. I explained that if things EVER started down that road again it would be the last and there would be no other chances again. I wouldn’t have my boys hurt like he’d hurt me. He apologized, which in itself was an extreme rarity, so I accepted.

We had a great summer, not doing near as much with him as my little brother and his family though. Christmas was amazing and listening to my daddy tell the Christmas story to my boys as he did me when I was little was such a blessing. Spring was on the way and the boys were wondering after our long hibernation of winter just what fun stuff we’d do with Grandpa!

Then he met her….

His now wife, #7, came as a shock to us. He wasn’t looking to get with anyone and we were all so fresh really at getting along finally. All four kids with our father! It had been a very long time in the making and now someone new came along. I remembered the history of his relationships and when he gets with one, especially if they have money, he changes. I told my hubby that we would back off and not attend as much stuff, because I knew something bad would come again.

One year after they had been married I planned a birthday party for my oldest. As times are tight financially I sent an invite to my father’s side of the family for us to just go out to eat, for them to bring a card with whatever they could inside it, no pressure! 4 hrs before we were to go to the party my father called me saying that he’d called everyone and that they weren’t able to attend that he and his wife too had something business like come up and that we should just postpone it. I was devastated but understood that it all begins now. I knew it was coming. I had found out months later that the rest of the family was available, that it was my father that called all them to say I needed to cancel it for some reason. Why would he do such a thing?

A month later my step-mom txt me all frantic asking me what was wrong and where was I at! I wondered what was going on and did I forget something that had been planned? She replied that they hadn’t heard from me and wondered why? See I was the one always txting and calling them and so after the birthday thing I quit to see just when they’d reciprocate. I told her everything was fine and I was busy. She went on about how we needed to get together that they had my oldest boys birthday presents. I reminded her that we’d agreed on cards and that I had a party planned that they had canceled it. I explained that as this son was older he’d understand but that my two little ones would not. That a child needs to be remembered in the month of their birth not a month or so later. She was offened calling me rude and selfish. I quit responding. Then my father tryed calling. I let it go to voice mail. He exploded at me on the phone. Saying that I’d upset his wife and that when I could humbly apologize I could call back but until then in a sarcastic voice “have a nice day!”.

My hubby was pissed. I was hurt and thought “here we go again”. I wrote him a letter telling him why it was for sure over this time, recalling the past and our make up and then now this unfortunate event. I told him that while I still love him I will not have this around my boys! I did nor said nothing wrong! I was stating a rule as a parent that our children would be honored in their month of birth. I don’t think any real grandparent would have a problem with that.

After he received the letter, I received a LOT of mean txt from his wife. So much so that I changed my number. It was throwing me back into a dark place, that depressive state I’d worked so hard to get out of! That was spring and summer of last year. At christmas my hubby and I were in shock when my aunt, fathers sister, called and told me that these two had dropped off presents for our little ones. My hubby was hesitant. I went and picked them up. See I’ve thought this whole time that he’d divorce her like he’s done always and go back to himself instead of this meanie that he plays to impress and keep her wealth. We told the boys who they came from and when asked just lied. I told them that their Grandpa and his wife, whom they’d been calling Grandma, were over the road truckers and had moved far away. That maybe we’d see him or them this summer. Then I emailed a thank you to them. After all that had been said I was thankful and grateful they’d remembered the kids.

The email I received back though was not nice at all. She basically threw up in my inbox. It was vile and full of anger, yelling at me for being a bad parent, going against God, working for the devil, telling me that I was holding HER grandchildren hostage and that WHEN my husband and I get our heads out of our rears and VERY HUMBLY CRAWL BACK AND APOLOGIZE then we’ll talk about “IF” we’ll ever get together again.

I didn’t cry, I didn’t get upset. I didn’t even tell my husband. I journaled about it and I did tell my Sis. This was the last straw. I wouldn’t ever have anything to do with my father again. I didn’t say or do anything wrong yet was being accused of so very much! I didn’t respond to the email. I kept a copy and then erased it. A month or so later, just a few weeks ago, my Sis sent a group txt pic of my adorable little niece. I didn’t get back to her until hours later and when a quick txt “adorable” another round of drama ensued.

I got a txt back from an unknown number “who is this?”. I ignored it scoffing it off as one of my Sister’s friends that didn’t know about group txting. The next night I got three calls from this number, which I ignored. The last call went to voice mail but they didn’t leave a message. I figured they realized they had a wrong number. Two nights later another txt of “who is this?” followed by three calls. This time they left a msg on the voice mail. A woman, whose voice kinda sounded distorted, said “I got a txt from this number and just don’t know what it’s about if you could call me back”. I thought SERIOUSLY! But then again, maybe some are just that clueless about group txting, it could happen. Okay so I called her back. Told her she must be friends with my baby sis that the “adorable” txt was a reply to the pic of my niece. That since we had that cleared up for her to have a good evening and we were done, please don’t call again. I then wondered and prayed that it wasn’t but couldn’t shake the feeling. I txted my Sis “whose number is this?”. Her reply was “our stepmom, why?”

Oh man! Why was what went through my mind. Why would she call and pretend that she didn’t know me and keep bugging me to find out “who this was” when she already knew? She started in on little Sis that night, causing a riff between dad and her. Not little Sis’s fault at all! She was blamed just as I had been. Then they went after one of my brothers. I blocked every number, email, FB and everything I could over that weekend. She sent me an email that it was I who was the liar to my boys and that they would find our the truth, sooner or later, blaming me for keeping them all apart.

My sister-in-law meet up with me at a school meeting and said that over the weekend my dad and stepmom had picked up my little brothers boys and spent the day on them! Out to eat, the circus, a toy store.. very much the works! His boys and my boys go to the same school and I knew then that I needed to tell my boys the truth, not details but the truth.

Last week one day after school I sat them down with their cookies and milk. I told them that my father, their grandfather was a mean man to me. He had made me cry and called me bad names. His wife, who was NOT their grandmother at all but just his wife at the moment was mean too. They had both called me and daddy bad names, told us that we were so bad that even God didn’t love us and that because they were mean to us we have decided to never let them see any of us again so that they will never be mean to you. My youngest didn’t care, he doesn’t really remember them but was pissed that they upset his Mama. My middle one cried but not because they would never be seen again, because they hurt his Mama and Daddy! I then told them that their cousins still had a relationship with them and they had been buying them stuff and taking them fun places. My boys still didn’t care. It’s just stuff and Jesus never called people bad names and God loves everyone even the ones that don’t love Him so how could they be so mean in saying that!

I blocked my fathers whole family from my life in all area’s. I just can’t have them be a part of our lives. They are too filled with drama, anger and sadness. Life in itself is hard enough without adding to it. There comes a time when, even if its your daddy, that you have to walk away forever just to save yourself the grief of it all.

I’m not all the way better as this is still so fresh, but one day at a time and with my loving hubby and wonderful boys I’m getting there.