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My Cowboy Story

Its short but sweet. The cowboys I’ve known in my life are unlike any other breed of man I’ve ever known. To me cowboys represent the highest respect of a lady, I think of Hoss and Little Joe, Marshal Dillon, John Wayne, Gus and Woodrow… the list could go on but I’m also lucky enough to have cowboys in my family and know the honored kindness they can bestow.

The first cowboy I ever knew was my Grandpa. He was polite, kind, very generous to family. Always helping others. He was a bit of a carpenter and made a trailer to be able to take us for rides on his big lawn mower. I knew that cowboys were nice and polite and caring because of him. This picture was taken at my wedding to my own cowboy. He died shortly after.

The second cowboy I ever knew was my step-dad. He is a tad ornery but very family generated. He is the John Wayne/Woodrow type that’s totally traditional in every way and raised us all as such. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if not for him.  I found this picture of him with my youngest son working in the garden. If he isn’t there with his Papa Cowboy he’s on the tractor or feeding the cows and horses.

My cowboy, my love, my wonderful husband is the third cowboy I ever met. I met him in school when we were little. He was and is still my best friend. He rarely allows my to take his picture and when I was wanting one this was the result. I went through my rebellious stage of going out with “bad boy” types but my heart was always with him, my cowboy love. The country may not have been where I was born, however it most certainly was where I was raised and where my roots are firmly planted. We live on a little piece of land in Missouri together and are raising our boys in the most wonderful way there is… The Cowboy Way.

Single Yet Married

Whether you work outside of the home or stay at home, whether you’re the mother or the father. The actual role of mother and father differ in any case. Remember watching “Mr. Mom” with Michael Keaton? His woes were not unlike a lot of the same us Stay At Home Mommies (SAHM) are. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids, play groups, mommies groups… the list goes on and when the Mom got home as is with lots of Dad’s out there she was tired and just wanted to rest from a very hard day at work. What about that poor Dad like most of us SAHM’s full day of work. That not many think is work, even in my own family I get told I sit at home and “do nothing”, yet their laundry is mysteriously folded and put in their drawers, everything ends up being put in its place by fairies and the dirt just disappears. According to some I spend all day watching soaps or playing on the computer. I can tell you I haven’t watched a soap ever being a SAHM unless I was visiting my Grams while she was alive. Now I have spent days on the computer, playing? Maybe some games but I blog, I edit the pics of my babies, I read about the world news or maybe a book, magazine, listen to some really terrific music or just chat with friends and family. I love to learn and have the world at my fingertips and access is such a blessing to us all to not use it. But I digress.

SAHMs or Dad’s to you ever feel that your “single yet married”? I do and I’ve had a very hard time trying to deal with it. The first thing you have to do is talk to your spouse and relay your feelings of needing help. You can’t just keep it all bottled up in side and expect them to read your mind of needs. They may not know and as a couple in a mature adult relationship you should have open communication of feeling and thought. I often felt put off by my hubby and as I would just do everything started to get that hateful feeling of maybe if I’m going to be single yet married i should just be single. NO!!!!! If your already thinking that please go talk to your spouse, communication, communication, communication!!!!! The world is so full of people just giving up and throwing away good things, relationships are one of them.

As I said I had these feelings a couple of years ago. Hubs leaves for work at 4:45a and gets home about 3 or 4p depending on if he’s had an emergency or not to finish fixing. He works with his brother at a plumbing company. Not plumbers, pipe layers and fixers. He works with a lot of machinery, in deep holes and needs to be alert in his job. When he gets home he’s got the farm to care for; watering and feeding, fixing fence or doctoring the sick, then supper and homework help with the boys as I clean up. After I’m done I take over the homework and the rest of the night with showers, pick-up and school readiness for the next day as Daddy get ready to go to bed. This used to bother me and how many of us SAHMs think this way. You know the thoughts “it’s not fair. i do everything. he does nothing. I’m tired too. and then he wants to cuddle” It truly used to drive me just batty! Then I started looking at it from his perspective and the lack of sleep he gets because he gets up when everyone asleep to check things and if an animal needs help. He gets up the earliest, he doesn’t grip at all when I spend some money on me for something of frivolity. He works in the extreme cold or heat outside in all the elements while I’m at home sleeping in or enjoying blogging and my cup of coffee. All he asks is at the end of a very long day to go to sleep early and when he wakes as I’m falling asleep to show me how much he loves me. He never complains yet I complain loads and he listens because he loves me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So one night when the kiddo’s were at their grandparents I relayed my woes of fatigue. To my surprise he was very understanding and even apologized for not helping as much. Since then we have set up a system. Sun-Thurs are my nights for clean up and kiddo care, he stays up a bit to help extra with homework or reading. Fri and Sat he takes over and I go to bed early or whatever. When it comes to “couple time” if you must schedule then do it! But make time to be together and relive and keep alive the love you have.  The Bible tells us that we need each other, we do not own ourselves we are each others. When you give yourself in marriage you love heart, body and soul and that love doesn’t go away. Oh we get down and angry at situations and outcomes but that love that need doesn’t go away and as you married you owe it to your spouse to honor that commitment. So am I “single yet married”? Yeah… but only during deer rifle season 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Corinthians 7:2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

Mean Reds Creaping

Its been a case of the “mean reds” creaping in last night and even into this morning. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” with Audrey Hepburn you know what I’m talking about. The mean reds are worse than the blues, your afraid and you don’t know of what or why, you just are. I have these what I like to call “episodes” every now and then. This week started great. Last week, stellar. So what gave? Dad, remember I said he was a pill at times? Well every once in a while the pill gets jagged. He’s very emotionally abusive. Thing is he was very physically and emotionally abused as a child and while his children and grandchildren have never been subject to his hand, his words are a whole different story. He’s not my biological dad, he’s my step-dad but “my dad” in ever since. Even with the emotional abuse he’s loads better than my bio-father, he’s actually worse. My mother is bi-polar and manic-depressive and I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of it all. Not quite the setting one has for a life and I suppose I could have gone down several different roads because of it all. I did travel down the drug abuse path. I traveled down the what I call “spiritually” rebellious path. Why do I call it that? I think spiritual rebellion is anything you do or worship different from what you were raised, gives one a high so to speak to “go against the grain”. Is it wrong? I don’t believe so if your questions are true to your heart, but in my case I was just trying to get a “rise” outta certain people in my life. No cool at all and very self damaging.

 

Last week was the first week of school for my boys. I was so happy to get the house to myself but that didn’t happen. My step-dad/dad/father-in-law, okay some back history for those that don’t know I married my step-brother we weren’t raised together and it’s too long a story for now, hurt his back and was home the whole week. Usually that would suck a big monkey’s butt however it really wasn’t that bad. Over the weekend was the usual tenseness of everyone here, again that’s a whole other story. I can tell you by Sunday night it was very loud and clear that dear ole dad needed to go back to work and get outta the house. Yesterday Mr. 8, my middle boy stayed home from school with a cold and bit of fever. It was a decent day and as I was starting to not feel that great myself I didn’t throw myself into cleaning like crazy. I did some spot cleaning and a little laundry. Dad comes home and is a horrid mood, the type of mood that you don’t look him in the eye, you don’t have an opinion about anything and most of all don’t ever respond to what he says unless you are fully supporting everything he just said! Those are the nights I stay in my room as much as possible. Sometimes hard with the boys being all over the house. Last night was no different. As a mother we reprimand our children, if we see them sitting wrong or playing the wrong way, if they have toys all over, or something needs picked up or put away. A ton of things can be said. On these bad days, I will get yelled at for reprimanding my own children. I will get yelled at for not cleaning something properly. I will get yelled at for just being at home. I will get yelled at for not doing everything and if I feel bad or my back hurts it doesn’t matter, that’s not a good enough excuse at all. It’s these very bad days that send me spiraling into my depression and its these days that make me wanna run away from it all.

That’s when I pray! Pray harder than ever. God chose me to go through this all, He wants me here for some reason that is beyond my imagination and to help His cause in some way. It is for me to go through and lean on His understanding not mine, because I’m baffled at it all. So what I did last night was ignored him, and bit my tounge. Yes I still have a tounge but just barely, LOL. I put a smile on and laugh with my kids, read stories and play. I helped them pick up and when they were settled in bed I went to be with my hubby and stayed in our room for the rest of the night. I don’t have to deal with him in the mornings because he’s gone before we all get up. Friday I’ll have to but today I didn’t and I won’t tomorrow or the next day either. I’m thankful for the day’s I have to myself and when he’s here I have a room or a good friend’s I can escape to. My husband and I have the most wonderful love and friendship, his father has never known that and neither has my mother, who suffers from depression and bi-polar and can be a huge negative influence around me. My boys are such wonderfully happy normal kids! We have taught them to ignore, ignore, ignore and be happy in each other.

 

Oh you might wonder “why on earth are you still there?” Well that is a good question with a very simple answer, NO MONEY. Medical problems with no insurance or state help = high credit card debt, hospital bills, and very little income left over to survive. This is how it must be for now and that’s just the way it is. It actually cost too much for me to go to work too, daycare for after school and summer is outrageous. So instead of throwing a pity party which is what I’ve done for many years. I’m going to embrace what God has given me for whatever reasons He did. I will clean and clean, I will keep my mouth shut and just be and raise my kids. I will be the quiet, docile creature of God that will soothe the sleeping dragon on most days and when he roars I will hum a little tone to soothe him back to sleep again so that my fellow villagers don’t get eaten.

I remember when I got my first computer back in 2006. I know alot of people had them way before that but being a stay at home mommie out in the sticks, it took a while for our area to even get a good net connection. So happy and excited I was to finally be able to Myspace and email all my family and friends that I was unable to connect with other wise due to the babies I was raising or one thing or another that always came up. I can’t remember when it happened but like everyone else I found myself on Facebook and was in love with the site. I spent most of my time there. Chatting, playing games, reading what everyone was doing and just keeping up on things. I was able to find long lost friends, some that I didn’t have a connection with after all the years and then some that were even more of a connection now than back then. Family that was miles and states away were just a click away and that was neat.

Now for the bad part, FB turned into a huge stresser for me. I would read what everyone was doing locally and wonder why wasn’t I invited since I just live down the road? When asking them the reply would be “well I posted it on FB, didn’t you read it?” Chatting with some friends like they are your bestie then when you need them most they are busy, you find out later that they were busy with someone else. Family is to meet for a gathering and they say “sorry, were all sick” you then see the posts and pics of a lovely and fun time they had and only fained sickness to not be with you.

Facebook and just over all social networks I feel has left us all very unsocialble. I quit posting on my page for a week, then took another week to not comment or post a pic. No one noticed. I’ve cancled my page, deleted it completely and they only one’s that noticed were a handful of friends, not family.

I’m not having a pitty-party or upset in anyway. I realize that others may not be on FB as much and actually have lives where I was super addicted. My point was that did I become the unsocial one or are they?

I’m very thankful to be able to keep my Rambleing Mama page. Thank you to a good friend for that {{ hugs }}

I don’t know if I’ll go back to FB or not but I’m not going back anytime soon. I have engrossed my life for to many years on that site and realize there is so much more to life than staring at a screen for the rest of my life. I want to have visits over coffee or tea. I want to go to the park, go shopping, or let the kids play while we chat it up!

I’m thankful for social networks that help loved ones that are seperated to keep in touch, I’m thankful for being able to connect when I was down in my back and unable to get out. BUT…. we shouldn’t be so connected to the computer that we forget how to connect without it.

I asked my friends and family what verse from the christian bible gave them strength? What famous quote was a powerful affirmation to them? The response was all bible verses. I even heard from some that I didn’t think were believers, much like myself I wonder in reading the depths of the verses “whats going on in there lives that they find such solace in these beautifully uplifting verses. I remember my step mom telling me that if you truly have the Lord first in everything He wont let you have a bad, and depressing day. I remember her telling me this back in the deep depressive state and thinking to myself “well you never went through…. blah, blah, blah!” I would have the worst days, I’ve written about them. The “mean reds”, worst than the blues. Sulk days is what I call them, my husband would just support me as he could. I really honestly thought that if I could just move outta here and be somewhere else everything would be better. Grass greener on the other side comes to mind. I also recall telling someone once that if you can’t save $5 how could you ever save $500? Same principle applies. If I can’t be happy, positive and let God’s love and light shine on me here then how could it somewhere else?

I don’t have a lot of things, but I have more than some. I want so much more, but it’s mostly material and not needed. I wish for things that are not realistic or necessary and if I would actually receive these things I don’t think I’d be truly happy at all. So what makes you happy? For some that is a big question. I don’t think we really know what makes us truly happy, not with all the hub/bub that swirls all around us in our insanely fast paced lives. I’ve been working hard on finding what makes me happy. At first I thought it would be having my own place? Nope. Having my husband agree with everything I say? While I admit that’s a nice one what happens when I’m actually wrong and he’s right, it does happen you know. So that’s a no. What about great wealth? That would help out on getting us out of debt and then we could “buy, buy, buy” just all sorts of … yep you guessed it “crap”. Lets face it if you were born poor, lived poor then all of a sudden won the lotto your world flips upside down and you go a tad crazy on a lot of junk just because you can. So I’m sorry but great wealth would just not make me happy.

I live with two of the most negative, pessimistic, depressive, rude and angry people I know. I listen to their crap day in and day out. I’ve let it affect me so much before and in the last few weeks have determined with the help of God I’m just not going to let it get me down anymore. If they have a particular problem with me then I’ll face that problem head on with God right there to help me. Just the other day my husband apologised for not getting me out of here quicker, not making enough money to give me what all I want, reassuring me that he’s still working as hard as he can for me and our family. It brought tears to my eyes. Have I been ungrateful? Not supportive in his continual struggles for reaching the dreams I want? I prayed God change my heart. Make me more grateful, more patient, more excepting to change the things I can and to not stress about the things I can’t. I’ve added the bible verses that speak to me and the ones that my friends gave me for support. I hope they inspire you as much as me.

Galatians 6:9 NIV “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV) “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

Matthew 6:9-13 (KJV) “9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.11 Give us this day our daily bread.12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

One Day Soon

you tell me “keep the faith”

you tell me “don’t lose hope”

you promise “it will happen”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i’ll keep the faith”

i tell myself “i won’t lose hope”

i reassure you “i know you’ll make it happen”

i reassure you “one day soon”

you tell me “don’t listen to thier lies”

you tell me “don’t trouble your heart with saddenss”

you promise “they will not destroy us”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i will only listen to your truths”

i tell myself “i will be happy in our love”

i reassure you “we will not be destroyed”

i reassure you “one day soon”

you tell me “i love you more than life itself”

you tell me “for you i sacrifice it all”

you promise “i will make your dreams come true”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i love you just as much and more”

i tell myself “i will sacrifice my dreams for you”

i reassure you “i believe you!”

i reassure you “one day soon”

 

 

We all get into those ruts. You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home. You go to work the same way everyday, you come home the same way everyday. You park in the same space at the same store you always go to. You watch the same shows and eat the same foods everyday. Nothing changes, but life is simple and you like that. Okay but what about the emotional ruts? We all get into the physical ruts and you see ton’s of self-help stuff everywhere. Drive a different way to work, listen to a different radio station, go out to eat at someplace new, or start a new hobby. That’s great, change it up a bit! What about the emotional ruts?

Theres that question again. I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 9 yrs, we’ve been together for about 10 (give or take) but I’ve known him for over 20 yrs. We’ve been through a lot and we still live with the parents. His father and my mother (back history, I married my step-brother, I have blogged about it before). I never noticed a problem until our second (my third) child came along. I got post partum real bad and was ready to walk out the door. So I went and got a job, I only worked for 6 months but it really helped and was enough to fix things. Or so I thought.  I won’t get into the exact things we heard on a daily basis but at my husbands and I most breaking point, the point that we were ready to end our marriage we took a time out, a step back and just looked at all the perspectives. A huge eye-opener was what we got!

We were oblivious to the emotional cycles that were constantly moving around us and enveloping us that it took the breaking point that we didn’t want to happen to make us really see it! Living with others is the most difficult thing to do. We are constantly second guessed and overthrown as parents, at times we are even reprimanded and are mostly put on the same level as our own children.  If you have your own place you’re a huge step ahead of me, what I wouldn’t do to have my own place! sharing with your parents and not getting the proper respect as a parent or adult yourself can and is very debilitating. I have anxiety and depression issues continually.

First you have to stop talking to everyone. This is a hard one for me because I’m a talker. I was raised to be a “chatty cathy” and to just gossip like crazy about everyone. As a teen I learned to get ahead of others was to “down” their every move with authority figures in my life.  Second you have to change your way of thinking. If someone is “pumping” you for info pay attention to their words. Only answer direct questions! Think about your answer too, there are ways around it without lying or misleading.  Don’t start a conversation with the “users and abusers”.  Third you have to turn the negativity into positivity! I know your thinking “sounds hard” guess what? It is! Hardest thing I do everyday. I think I’d rather go through all my back problems again than to try to rethink my thoughts! UGH! But your hard work will pay off, I promise! In my case, in living with our parents, here’s our cycle as an example.

My step-father/father in law is an emotional abuser who was very heavily physically and emotional abused as a small child and well into adulthood. He broke the physical part but is extremely abusive mentally. If you’ve ever read anything about the subject you know it’s harder to heal from emotional abuse. Its taken me years to over come some of it, and other parts of it I still have a very huge problem with, to the point that at times I even feel my own husband is against me. My mother is very heavily depressed, I believe her to have bi-polar with manic/depression, only because of my brother who is the same and all the info I’ve read. My mother also suffered some brain damage as a small child from a very high fever and because of that caused her to only “grow” mentally to a certain age. Since I’m now 36 yrs old, I believe her age mentally to be about 15 yrs old, as she mostly acts like my teenage boy. These two parents have never seen a problem with their behavior because they think its normal, it’s all they know. FIL (father in law) grew up with a father that was in and out of jail, that being said his mother (whom herself has been reviled to have been emotionally abusive) remarried and he was very physically abusive. FIL, grew up not knowing love, compassion or nurturing. My mother grew up knowing those things and seemed to raise us relatively well considering but as we passed her mentally she became more frustrated and depressed.

So we fast forward to the present cycle because in looking back I’ve found quite a few but the main one I want to relay is one that I know I’m not alone in going through and Its with this message I wish to help anyone else that is going through the same.

My husband and I will be happy as newlyweds. His father will down me, saying tons of things that aren’t true about me as a person, mother, and wife. When this doesnt’ work to put me in a bad and horrid mood, he starts to down my husband as a man, father and husband. When this doesn’t work to put me in a bad and horrid mood it causes wave after wave of untruths and lies to be piled upon me to get me to break. My husband, who is at work, will not hear any of it unless I tell him and at the beginning I would tell him and he wouldn’t believe me. Why? Because he couldn’t believe that his own dad would be trying to sabotage his marriage and happiness. Its true though, we’ve been tracking his behavior patterns. At first after an episode of this behavior I would scream and yell at my hubby, who being oblivious to it all would wonder WTF! We would “get into it” and then not speak for weeks, yeah weeks of only being cordial as could be without really being happy in each other. It was then when I saw my life of unhappiness engulfing me like flames, killing my spirit and soul that I screamed inside ENOUGH!!!!!! I wrote my hubby a letter pointing out what I saw and just asked him to please open his eyes to his father deceitfulness. It took a while but not really as long as I thought. He soon thought like me and our need to get our own place has become our biggest goal. Why don’t we move now? Easy answer… the economy, credit card bills, ect, ect, ect. The point is that we are one again and have overcome the biggest problem that most can’t seem to find first, we SAW the cycle.

Seeing the cycle is harder than trying to break it. We have a financial plan and are very positive that in the next 2-3 yrs we will be able to get into a place of our own! So how do we handle the oppressive, controlling, and emotional abuse along with the depressive manipulation… easy, we ignore it. You control your thoughts, no one else. If someone says to me, “you can’t clean anything, all you do is sit at your computer all day, what a waste of a life, you’re so lazy and I’m sick of all the stuff you never do, I do everything and your life and opinions are stupid!” Okay most of that is pretty much a lot of what I hear and have heard but hears what I think about it all now… I can’t clean because without me cleaning I know for a fact that this house would not be clean. I do sit at my computer most of the day and sometimes most of the night but I don’t watch tv as he does, really what’s the difference in the screen? NO ONE’S LIFE IS A WASTE! YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE!!! For me I matter to my boys and hubs, along with A LOT of family and friends, so not worried about that one either! What else…. I’m not lazy, I’m pretty much the main cleaner of this house as my mother just goes to work and comes home, she cooks supper M-Th as my FIL is home on Fri’s and will cook along with Sat and Sun, No I don’t cook, but I do everything else… my mother ONLY COOKS, she doesn’t even do their laundry, I do. Next…. Sick of what I don’t do, that list is relatively small as far as he is concerned but ya know what, I’m kinda sick of what I don’t do as well. I don’t go see my friends and family near enough, nor do I get to go shopping as much as I’d just love to do, there’s also that “bucket list” thing.  Because his life was terrible he can’t stand for his children or grandchildren to have it so well, he feels deep down in his soul it is simply just NOT FAIR *kicks and stomps* that he didn’t have a great and happy life!!!! WOW when you really put it into perspective like that, he’s just a child throwing a tantrum saying untruths. So no it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Oh I have my days but they are very far and few between now and with my wonderful loving and supportive husband to lean on I’ll be just fine and we’ll be really great in a few years happy and loving in our own home 😀

See the cycle so you can break it! Love and Light!

Its All In Your Mind

Ever heard that before? I have, tons of times. I had to go to the doctor yesterday morning. I’ve had a cold that’s lasted well over a month. Now the last time I went to the doc for “cold” like symptoms she told me that it was “all in my mind” and it was anxiety issues so you can well imagine my stubbornness of not wanting to go when I have no insurance and we just don’t have the money right now. So as the week has progressed my hubby has been more and more concerned with my heath and reluctantly I scheduled an appointment. I don’t like driving. I don’t like going anywhere alone. I don’t like doctor’s, but I don’t like not being able to breathe or being sick either. Kinda a catch 22 I guess, only with my own mind.

I started out gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white. I was watching the road so closely thinking “dear God please don’t let me wreck” then it hit me. I’m afraid, afraid of living because when you start living you get closer to dying. I’m not so much afraid of dying per say as in the afterlife but the leaving everyone and then also everyone leaving me. I started talking to God about all my fears and then my dreams and my perspective changes slowly over the course of the drive.  So then here I was on my way to the doc’s cruising the beautiful countryside thinking of all the last few weeks having a great conversation with God. Totally peaceful I tell ya. Next time your alone try just a one on one with God, just like he’s a regular Joe. The landscape was breathtaking, such a wonderful day for January in my neck of the woods and without a kiddo in tow (thanks to Papa) I was really at peace to just think about all the why’s and how come’s and whether too’s or what not’s. What I started thinking is that it is all in my mind. I used to be an insurance salesman and go to meetings. Worked everyday, went on trips, to the store all by myself. I started wondering what the heck happened? What made me so paranoid over time? What made me so paranoid with my life to the point of even creating all the drama that surrounds me constantly.

Life happened, and how I took it in. That’s what happened. Life doesn’t come with a handbook. Your raised a certain way of right and wrong and then you go out on your own all the while hoping and praying with fingers and toes crossed you’re doing the right thing. You double your worry and anxiety with each child you have. Your not then just thinking of you but them as well. Now factor in a marriage, all the extra family, along with all the wonderful hormones that us women get to roller coaster life with and stir that all up in a big boiling pot and your liable to get an explosion!

I’ve had a few explosions in my life and had the proverbial “2X4” of reality hit me in the head. I’ve been very grateful for it too. This last hit was hard, I almost lost it. Not just my self but I’m worried now for the damage I’ve caused, but then have I. You know when I took a that break from FB thinking it would be for 21 days it ended up just being less than 7. I really wanted to stay gone for the whole time but with some people it was the only way to communicate so what do you do? This time though I’m not going to check it all the time. I have the will power to NOT let it overcome me! Hide people you don’t want to see, or delete the ones you really don’t want to see you. So I was worried about what some of my family would say about what I said or did but you know what, no one said or did a thing in the whole almost week I was off FB. I haven’t talked to anyone but I would say that because they are true family its truly water under the bridge because every worry that I’ve worried about has just been created by me. truly “Its all in my mind”.

Do me a favor, don’t be too hard on yourself. In the words of my most beloved Grams, God rest her soul, “shit happens and you go on”

Love and Light

My 21 Day Fast

I came  across this fasting idea while reading the christian bible. I have this handy little app on my phone called YouVersion. It’s a bible app and has a ton of different translations along with a variety of studies and devotions. I found this one “the 21 day fast” a couple of months ago and blew it off. Honestly the first thing that came to me to “fast” was Facebook. Ugh, I totally didn’t want to do that! I LOVE FB, but the thing is I am seriously addicted. To the point that checking FB was the first thing I thought of in the morning, the first thing I did. I was on everyday and checking it all day, not listening to my kids while we played or read, half aware of the movie I was watching with my hubby because I was too busy checking my FB, having to check in and post what we all did and take pics of everything so that I could post it. It got to the point that my family doesn’t want me taking pictures anymore, and if I do they say “please don’t put that on FB”. I remember seeing a friend at the school on some family fun night and actually told me, “oh how nice to see you NOT on FB”. I know it was in good fun but my kids also have told me that when I die they will hook my coffin up with DSL so I can still FB in heaven. At the time it was funny, and to some of you it still maybe. I can’t laugh now but I’m hoping that I will in time. See I’m really addicted, like a crack addict. That would be why I refer to FB as “crackbook”, LOL. That I will laugh at because it’s totally freakin true! I’ve deleted and deleted my account SO many times just to be back in a couple of days. I think the longest I went was 3 days and that was really pushing it.

So I found this devotion “The 21 Day Fast” and like I said back a couple of months ago I laughed it off and with no more than a second thought didn’t think I had a “real” problem. Then the drama and lies and horrible things being said started happening. My christmas got ruined and family split apart, some of it unfortunately my fault. Why? When you go to FB what do you read? People’s thoughts for the moment. So if you’re a FB junkie such as myself you many post 20 plus times a day and you air ALL your dirty laundry. Why? Well I’m a bored housewife, maybe I just want to see who’s actually reading, or maybe I want the person that I’m pissed at to read it and see that everyone is reading it too? None of this sank in until the last straw happened. When that happened I just fell apart. I posted apologies on my person page and in a private group I had. I hoped and have prayed that I didn’t cause much damage with my part of it all. I haven’t been on in 2 full days and it has been very hard.

I actually dreamt last night of being on and seeing what everyone wrote about my apologies. Maybe no ones responded. I have thrown myself into my crafts, my kids and actually have got down with them and played and paid full attention, I have enjoyed a movie from start to finish without my phone in hand, I have started some new projects and have also thrown myself into cleaning.

How I did it was I just decided after the apologies I needed a total break, hopefully not for forever but who knows. I love being able to stay in touch with some but like I said before I have to think of my sanity. I removed my apps on my phone, all the shortcuts and don’t even care my phone with me everywhere. I have removed all the shortcuts on my Google bar across the top of my screen and only get my computer as needed, I’m pretty lucky that it’s not needed that much. I didn’t tell everyone and didn’t post anything. I just did it. I think that’s how you have to do it really. I’ve tried telling people and it always would backfire, you know, because something cool or interesting happened and you just have to post!

I’m sick of it running my life, I’m sick of the addiction, I’m sick of not having a life outside of FB and all the drama that it can cause. Now I’m not saying that it can be great, because I know all the good its done and I hope I can go back after I’m out of my fast but I don’t know if I can or If I will want to. Does an obese person want to go back to eating at their old fave fast food dive after shedding 500 pounds? Does a 3 pack a day smoker take up the occasional cigarette just for the hell of it after quitting? I’m not saying that FB is a horrid “crack” addiction to all, what I’m saying is that it became that for me and this is me trying to get clean of it for the good of my life.

So all I can say is day 2 down! Whoo Hoo for me! Pray tomorrow is easier. Light and Love.

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“Feeling broken. Barely holding on. But  there’s just something so strong. Somewhere  inside me, And I am down but  I’ll get up again. Don’t count  me out just yet I’ve been  brought down to my knees. And I’ve  been pushed way past the point of breaking. But  I can take it, I’ll be back. Back on my feet. This is far from over. You  haven’t seen the last of me….. This is not the end. I’m down now, But  i’ll be standing tall again. Times are hard but I was built  tough. I’m gonna show you all what  I’m made of. …..You haven’t seen the last of  me.” ~ Cher, Burlesque

You know what I did today? Didn’t go to Facebook, that’s for damn sure. I have built my life the past two years around FB and have a horrid addiction to it. I would delete then go back again and again. I think it’s truly great for those trying to keep in touch and I have stayed in touch with some family that I might not be able to other wise. I’ve met some very wonderful friends that I never would have met before. I am blessed for the connection. But It also has a down side. It has a very ugly side, one that I have unfortunately been blinded by. I can’t see how I let myself be blinded like this or manipulated! At my age too, UGH you really think I’d know better. I blame myself 100% for it all. I have either destroyed or tried to destroy the ones that truly love me  and why? Because of stupid childish crap. That’s right, I reverted to high school. Oh I feel wretched! I had blogged about how my family drama issues have issues, I have blogged about this past Christmas and how trying that was on my poor emotions. unfortunately the one thing I fail to take into account in all of it is the fact that I was most of the problem to begin with.

My husband, brave soul that he is, took me aside yesterday and had a heart to heart. We’re a bit like Allie and Noah from the Notebook, and when Noah tells Allie “You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.” That’s totally us. He’s not afraid to hurt my feelings and I do have a 2 second rebound rate. So I listened. And it wasn’t pretty, and it hurt just like the truth always does.

I drive people away, people don’t go away just because. I get close to one or two then get so involved in their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions and lives that I almost become them and in taking on their side of whoever they are against, even if its family I love so dear. If I hear an ill thing from the one person that another said or did something against them or thought of doing something to me then I just jump on that bandwagon so very fast that it would make your head spin!

Is it because I’m a bord housewife? Is it because I don’t have adult conversation regularly? I have quit watching soap opera’s but in place of that particular drama I’ve created my own. I never saw it that way and like I said have posted “I’m taking a break”, or “I need a time out”. This time though, the drama hit to close to my heart and its nearly been broke in two. I’m not going to get into detail because that’s just all part of the drama that people thrive on. I even went through all my blogs on here and deleted all the ones that talked about people. It’s all too negative and not something I ever should have done.

What happened is I never got both sides of the story. I listened to one person and confirmed it not with the people who said the things but with others that went along with the original person saying the untruths. The thing is I trumped-up things in my mind and added to the stories without realizing it in my dramatic way I do things and have just helped the rumors and lies.

I have to take a final break from Facebook and all the drama. I’m not saying to anyone on my page that I’m taking a break either, I’m not telling anyone I am, I’m just going to walk away from it all. I want to be able to go back to it but at the cost of my family’s love and my own sanity? I don’t think its worth that. Until I can wake up and NOT think of FB and what everyone in the world is doing then I’m not going to get on it. I have to do this for myself, for the future of my family… that is if I haven’t totally F*#!ed things up.

So now I just sit back and wait. Pour myself into my kids, hubby, family that I have here, my crafts, my books and anything else that will keep me busy just so I won’t think about FB or the drama that’s I’ve helped along the way to destruction. I have to work on me, I have to work on the guilt of it all and learn to forgive myself along with hoping and praying that everyone involved forgives me as well.

Love and Light