My last post was dated 1/28/13. If you’ve followed me for very long you know my history of deleting and coming back over and over again with FB in general. I had a page a couple of years ago and deleted it. I’ve almost deleted this one a few times only to hold on for one reason or another. At one time I even had a friend take over for a bit just because I needed a break. I think when we all start reading about someone else that we develop a kinship with this character, a friendship with some and then when they are gone its like a piece of our hearts have gone with them. I have felt this with some pages and friends that I’ve made through those pages. I’m so blessed to call some that I may never see in this world a very good friend!
I took the break from this page and FB for a while. After about two weeks I went back to my person page but giving myself rules: no notifications to my phone (it goes off all day long if I let it), only check it 2-4 times a day, and I would set my phone in the other room if I really needed to. Some days I did more than others. I wasn’t so much-needed a break from writing or this page but more a break of my heavy addiction to reading about others.
Staying in contact is great! Don’t get me wrong I am so very happy to be in contact with some friends and family from long ago, but when you have hundreds of friends and only about 15 of them actually respond to you then how many do you actually have. I have always been one to need a time of seclusion. All through my life I’d try my darndest to be the social butterfly I always dreamed of being only to have it all be too much and suffocating leading me to hide away to calm down and gather my thoughts in private. My “me” time is sorely needed! I’m blessed to have a husband that recognized and supports me in that too. Somedays he’ll pick up on it more than me, take the boys and leave me alone.
I’ve been journaling like crazy and all though these last couple weeks I couldn’t help but think of you. You know who you are, those ones out there that my words might help. The ones like me that read someone’s page and think, “thank you so much… I really needed to hear that. knowing that I’m not alone in this thought right now helps”. I have looked at self-help book after self-help book. I have scanned the shelves for worry/anxiety/depression books that fit my life and the craziness that I go through. There isn’t one yet. I’d have to say the closest that helped me so far was Joyce Meyer’s book “Battlefield of the Mind” however I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as she was. I was emotionally abused but that’s a whole different ballgame. What about the book that says “I’m depressed/have anxiety/worry about everything but nothing really has happened yet”? I almost have to laugh at myself and wonder what the heck is wrong with me! What happened in my life that caused such deep worry? I don’t have a mortgage, my husband and I live at home with Mom and Dad on the farm and we all take care of it together. I don’t worry about finances, oh we’re poor but we have a roof over our heads and clothes on our back, food on the table and we all love each other completely. I worry about death, pain, being alone. Has anything happened to make this a reason for me? What grand horridness happened to me to cause such grief? Nothing… yet.
Oh I had a minor car accident, no biggie most people have minor car accidents several times in their lives. I had major back problems that caused severe nerve pain but that was all healed and I still go to therapy for keeping things good, so no problem there now. My Grams died a little over four years ago, she was my greatest friend and 2nd Mom. She was healthy her whole life then BOOM cancer! Stage 4 colon cancer, nothing they or she could do. She tried chemo and it killed her. She died 6 days after my birthday and just killed me. See I didn’t have anyone die in my life as a child. Oh some super old aunties that I barely knew but no one really close to me ever died, that is up until my Grams. It devastated me! It still does some days. The emotional abuse from my biological father over the years hasn’t helped and the emotional abuse from living here with my father in law at times doesn’t help either. Religion has played such a huge role in my life that it’s almost destroyed my relationship with God.
I was raised to go against the church was to go against God. I wasn’t allowed to question anything and I wasn’t allowed to read the bible for myself because in doing so was questioning in itself. I’d have to say this is the main cause of my entire problems. I went away from God for a while but with His help I found my way back to Him and in reading the bible for myself I’ve learned the truth. God is love, God loves. God excerpts and wants us flaws and all! We just have to trust Him, and wowsers is that a hard one for me. Especially when the one person in your life that you trust 110%, your parents, crap on you. It really makes it hard to trust again, even God. I’m working on it though.
This is the help book I need. Not of one lady that’s middle class and is worried about her ladies group meeting, how she’s going to pay for her girls college or if her husband might not get that supper promotion because then they won’t get to go to Disney World again. I need a help book for me, for the low-class, dirt poor girl who never takes vacations, that doesn’t go anywhere but take the kids to school and doc appt’s and WalMart because gas is too much, that actually lives paycheck to paycheck with maybe a buck or two left over, that hasn’t really had anything too awful happen but just knows it could at any moment. So since there are no books like this for us “little” people I suppose I’ll just have to write one. In the mean time though I wanted to take up blogging again. For two reason’s: one, I’m a horrid procrastinator and big projects are my downfall so the whole book idea seems like a mountain I might not climb anytime soon but I’m working on it and two, what if your like me and want to buy the book but can’t afford it or think like I do about so many “is it really even going to help?”. So I’ll just blog for now, giving tid-bits and maybe it will help you as much as me.
For now I just pray God gives me the guidance, strength and courage.
And I take it one day at a time, Grams always said that and its seems like good words to live by.