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Coming Back From A Sabbatical

My last post was dated 1/28/13. If you’ve followed me for very long you know my history of deleting and coming back over and over again with FB in general. I had a page a couple of years ago and deleted it. I’ve almost deleted this one a few times only to hold on for one reason or another. At one time I even had a friend take over for a bit just because I needed a break. I think when we all start reading about someone else that we develop a kinship with this character, a friendship with some and then when they are gone its like a piece of our hearts have gone with them. I have felt this with some pages and friends that I’ve made through those pages. I’m so blessed to call some that I may never see in this world a very good friend!

I took the break from this page and FB for a while. After about two weeks I went back to my person page but giving myself rules: no notifications to my phone (it goes off all day long if I let it), only check it 2-4 times a day, and I would set my phone in the other room if I really needed to. Some days I did more than others. I wasn’t so much-needed a break from writing or this page but more a break of my heavy addiction to reading about others.

Staying in contact is great! Don’t get me wrong I am so very happy to be in contact with some friends and family from long ago, but when you have hundreds of friends and only about 15 of them actually respond to you then how many do you actually have. I have always been one to need a time of seclusion. All through my life I’d try my darndest to be the social butterfly I always dreamed of being only to have it all be too much and suffocating leading me to hide away to calm down and gather my thoughts in private. My “me” time is sorely needed! I’m blessed to have a husband that recognized and supports me in that too. Somedays he’ll pick up on it more than me, take the boys and leave me alone.

I’ve been journaling like crazy and all though these last couple weeks I couldn’t help but think of you. You know who you are, those ones out there that my words might help. The ones like me that read someone’s page and think, “thank you so much… I really needed to hear that. knowing that I’m not alone in this thought right now helps”. I have looked at self-help book after self-help book. I have scanned the shelves for worry/anxiety/depression books that fit my life and the craziness that I go through. There isn’t one yet. I’d have to say the closest that helped me so far was Joyce Meyer’s book “Battlefield of the Mind” however I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as she was. I was emotionally abused but that’s a whole different ballgame. What about the book that says “I’m depressed/have anxiety/worry about everything but nothing really has happened yet”? I almost have to laugh at myself and wonder what the heck is wrong with me! What happened in my life that caused such deep worry? I don’t have a mortgage, my husband and I live at home with Mom and Dad on the farm and we all take care of it together. I don’t worry about finances, oh we’re poor but we have a roof over our heads and clothes on our back, food on the table and we all love each other completely. I worry about death, pain, being alone. Has anything happened to make this a reason for me? What grand horridness happened to me to cause such grief? Nothing… yet.

Oh I had a minor car accident, no biggie most people have minor car accidents several times in their lives. I had major back problems that caused severe nerve pain but that was all healed and I still go to therapy for keeping things good, so no problem there now. My Grams died a little over four years ago, she was my greatest friend and 2nd Mom. She was healthy her whole life then BOOM cancer! Stage 4 colon cancer, nothing they or she could do. She tried chemo and it killed her. She died 6 days after my birthday and just killed me. See I didn’t have anyone die in my life as a child. Oh some super old aunties that I barely knew but no one really close to me ever died, that is up until my Grams. It devastated me! It still does some days. The emotional abuse from my biological father over the years hasn’t helped and the emotional abuse from living here with my father in law at times doesn’t help either. Religion has played such a huge role in my life that it’s almost destroyed my relationship with God.

I was raised to go against the church was to go against God. I wasn’t allowed to question anything and I wasn’t allowed to read the bible for myself because in doing so was questioning in itself. I’d have to say this is the main cause of my entire problems. I went away from God for a while but with His help I found my way back to Him and in reading the bible for myself I’ve learned the truth. God is love, God loves. God excerpts and wants us flaws and all! We just have to trust Him, and wowsers is that a hard one for me. Especially when the one person in your life that you trust 110%, your parents, crap on you. It really makes it hard to trust again, even God. I’m working on it though.

This is the help book I need. Not of one lady that’s middle class and is worried about her ladies group meeting, how she’s going to pay for her girls college or if her husband might not get that supper promotion because then they won’t get to go to Disney World again. I need a help book for me, for the low-class, dirt poor girl who never takes vacations, that doesn’t go anywhere but take the kids to school and doc appt’s and WalMart because gas is too much, that actually lives paycheck to paycheck with maybe a buck or two left over, that hasn’t really had anything too awful happen but just knows it could at any moment. So since there are no books like this for us “little” people I suppose I’ll just have to write one. In the mean time though I wanted to take up blogging again. For two reason’s: one, I’m a horrid procrastinator and big projects are my downfall so the whole book idea seems like a mountain I might not climb anytime soon but I’m working on it and two, what if your like me and want to buy the book but can’t afford it or think like I do about so many “is it really even going to help?”. So I’ll just blog for now, giving tid-bits and maybe it will help you as much as me.

For now I just pray God gives me the guidance, strength and courage.
And I take it one day at a time, Grams always said that and its seems like good words to live by.

New Years Resolutions: true or false?

Every year I make three new years resolutions.

new-years-resolutions

 

I make three because I figure if I at least follow through with one then I’m doing good. I never made resolutions before but since I’ve become a mother just in the last ten years or so I’ve started trying to make an effort to improve some things. In my family there is alot of “whoopla” over the new year and resolutions. Mostly negitive. However I’m always trying to make something possitive out of the negitive so since its ever been a stamp of negitivity I look forward to it most possitivly! In my best “Yoda” type voice I tell myself…

 

yoda1

So this year as I’ve overcome some great feats of negitivity and depression in the last couple years I find myself leaning toward more spiritually organization along with my crafting, LOL. My cave is somewhat disorganized due to all the massive creating I’ve been doing. I can do this I tell myself over and over. I made my lists and even bought a new notebook. I’m taking on the “less is more” aproach in compleating my tasks. No lists that have lists or fancy apps to help me with it all. I’m just going to take one day at a time, one task at a time. Simply and calmly I’m going to do this!

happy-new-year-greetings

Society Says I Should Hate Her

I met a girl that’s outgoing, full of life and fun, giving of herself to others so very much, doing above and beyond the call of her place. I like her and can see us being friends but for a little bit of who she is and the undertone of lies that surround her. She is my ex-husbands girlfriend, society says I should hate her, but I found a possible friend in the girl.

My son, 15, after always living with me wanted to go live with his father. As he was going to start High School a new chapter in his life, he was leaving the only home he knew. My heart broke but I understood his decision. I let my baby go and when I did I put away my thoughts of my ex and his girlfriend and tried to embrace them cordially in hopes of staying in my son’s life and choices he may make.

She took all the paper work I gave my ex, the paper work of doctors info, dentist, eyeglasses appt’s coming up, school and birth papers and so on. She took over my role as mother for my son and my heart broke. I saw my son only every two weeks, just as he had seen his father all the time he was living here. Each visit I saw him happier and happier and the broke pieces of my shattered mothers heart started to heal. Seeing your child happy is truly every mothers deepest wish. I couldn’t hate this girl, yes girl for she is half my age, even though everyone around me says I should. She was caring for my child, she was helping his father making him happy.

My thoughts went to being more friendly in hopes of getting even closer for the sake of my son. She is a bit more head strong than me and took the reigns from my ex. She’s the one I speak to more, she’s the one that is in control of my ex and my son. I don’t like it, I’ve always been control of my son and now its out of my hands. So I prayed and I pray still, God is in control not her and that gives me peace of mind.

I found out something disturbing this weekend. A lie that has been hidden that would have changed my allowance of his even being able to move there. At first I was angry, then hurt. It was her or even my ex that kept this from me but my son. He knew I wouldn’t let him go and he’s hated it here for so long that no matter what he was moving to his father’s house and away from here. Heartbreak happened again.

All I can do is pray. Pray that my son still comes to see me, pray that he makes all the right decisions, pray that God controls it all. But I can’t hater her or even my ex. Everyone has their own life to live as they see fit. I have different values than others and then others have different ones than me. I will stay cordial and friendly toward them because of my son, but we will not be friends.

Single Yet Married

Whether you work outside of the home or stay at home, whether you’re the mother or the father. The actual role of mother and father differ in any case. Remember watching “Mr. Mom” with Michael Keaton? His woes were not unlike a lot of the same us Stay At Home Mommies (SAHM) are. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids, play groups, mommies groups… the list goes on and when the Mom got home as is with lots of Dad’s out there she was tired and just wanted to rest from a very hard day at work. What about that poor Dad like most of us SAHM’s full day of work. That not many think is work, even in my own family I get told I sit at home and “do nothing”, yet their laundry is mysteriously folded and put in their drawers, everything ends up being put in its place by fairies and the dirt just disappears. According to some I spend all day watching soaps or playing on the computer. I can tell you I haven’t watched a soap ever being a SAHM unless I was visiting my Grams while she was alive. Now I have spent days on the computer, playing? Maybe some games but I blog, I edit the pics of my babies, I read about the world news or maybe a book, magazine, listen to some really terrific music or just chat with friends and family. I love to learn and have the world at my fingertips and access is such a blessing to us all to not use it. But I digress.

SAHMs or Dad’s to you ever feel that your “single yet married”? I do and I’ve had a very hard time trying to deal with it. The first thing you have to do is talk to your spouse and relay your feelings of needing help. You can’t just keep it all bottled up in side and expect them to read your mind of needs. They may not know and as a couple in a mature adult relationship you should have open communication of feeling and thought. I often felt put off by my hubby and as I would just do everything started to get that hateful feeling of maybe if I’m going to be single yet married i should just be single. NO!!!!! If your already thinking that please go talk to your spouse, communication, communication, communication!!!!! The world is so full of people just giving up and throwing away good things, relationships are one of them.

As I said I had these feelings a couple of years ago. Hubs leaves for work at 4:45a and gets home about 3 or 4p depending on if he’s had an emergency or not to finish fixing. He works with his brother at a plumbing company. Not plumbers, pipe layers and fixers. He works with a lot of machinery, in deep holes and needs to be alert in his job. When he gets home he’s got the farm to care for; watering and feeding, fixing fence or doctoring the sick, then supper and homework help with the boys as I clean up. After I’m done I take over the homework and the rest of the night with showers, pick-up and school readiness for the next day as Daddy get ready to go to bed. This used to bother me and how many of us SAHMs think this way. You know the thoughts “it’s not fair. i do everything. he does nothing. I’m tired too. and then he wants to cuddle” It truly used to drive me just batty! Then I started looking at it from his perspective and the lack of sleep he gets because he gets up when everyone asleep to check things and if an animal needs help. He gets up the earliest, he doesn’t grip at all when I spend some money on me for something of frivolity. He works in the extreme cold or heat outside in all the elements while I’m at home sleeping in or enjoying blogging and my cup of coffee. All he asks is at the end of a very long day to go to sleep early and when he wakes as I’m falling asleep to show me how much he loves me. He never complains yet I complain loads and he listens because he loves me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So one night when the kiddo’s were at their grandparents I relayed my woes of fatigue. To my surprise he was very understanding and even apologized for not helping as much. Since then we have set up a system. Sun-Thurs are my nights for clean up and kiddo care, he stays up a bit to help extra with homework or reading. Fri and Sat he takes over and I go to bed early or whatever. When it comes to “couple time” if you must schedule then do it! But make time to be together and relive and keep alive the love you have.  The Bible tells us that we need each other, we do not own ourselves we are each others. When you give yourself in marriage you love heart, body and soul and that love doesn’t go away. Oh we get down and angry at situations and outcomes but that love that need doesn’t go away and as you married you owe it to your spouse to honor that commitment. So am I “single yet married”? Yeah… but only during deer rifle season 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Corinthians 7:2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

Socializing Can Be Very Unsocial

I remember when I got my first computer back in 2006. I know alot of people had them way before that but being a stay at home mommie out in the sticks, it took a while for our area to even get a good net connection. So happy and excited I was to finally be able to Myspace and email all my family and friends that I was unable to connect with other wise due to the babies I was raising or one thing or another that always came up. I can’t remember when it happened but like everyone else I found myself on Facebook and was in love with the site. I spent most of my time there. Chatting, playing games, reading what everyone was doing and just keeping up on things. I was able to find long lost friends, some that I didn’t have a connection with after all the years and then some that were even more of a connection now than back then. Family that was miles and states away were just a click away and that was neat.

Now for the bad part, FB turned into a huge stresser for me. I would read what everyone was doing locally and wonder why wasn’t I invited since I just live down the road? When asking them the reply would be “well I posted it on FB, didn’t you read it?” Chatting with some friends like they are your bestie then when you need them most they are busy, you find out later that they were busy with someone else. Family is to meet for a gathering and they say “sorry, were all sick” you then see the posts and pics of a lovely and fun time they had and only fained sickness to not be with you.

Facebook and just over all social networks I feel has left us all very unsocialble. I quit posting on my page for a week, then took another week to not comment or post a pic. No one noticed. I’ve cancled my page, deleted it completely and they only one’s that noticed were a handful of friends, not family.

I’m not having a pitty-party or upset in anyway. I realize that others may not be on FB as much and actually have lives where I was super addicted. My point was that did I become the unsocial one or are they?

I’m very thankful to be able to keep my Rambleing Mama page. Thank you to a good friend for that {{ hugs }}

I don’t know if I’ll go back to FB or not but I’m not going back anytime soon. I have engrossed my life for to many years on that site and realize there is so much more to life than staring at a screen for the rest of my life. I want to have visits over coffee or tea. I want to go to the park, go shopping, or let the kids play while we chat it up!

I’m thankful for social networks that help loved ones that are seperated to keep in touch, I’m thankful for being able to connect when I was down in my back and unable to get out. BUT…. we shouldn’t be so connected to the computer that we forget how to connect without it.

Never Gonna Get Me Down No More

I asked my friends and family what verse from the christian bible gave them strength? What famous quote was a powerful affirmation to them? The response was all bible verses. I even heard from some that I didn’t think were believers, much like myself I wonder in reading the depths of the verses “whats going on in there lives that they find such solace in these beautifully uplifting verses. I remember my step mom telling me that if you truly have the Lord first in everything He wont let you have a bad, and depressing day. I remember her telling me this back in the deep depressive state and thinking to myself “well you never went through…. blah, blah, blah!” I would have the worst days, I’ve written about them. The “mean reds”, worst than the blues. Sulk days is what I call them, my husband would just support me as he could. I really honestly thought that if I could just move outta here and be somewhere else everything would be better. Grass greener on the other side comes to mind. I also recall telling someone once that if you can’t save $5 how could you ever save $500? Same principle applies. If I can’t be happy, positive and let God’s love and light shine on me here then how could it somewhere else?

I don’t have a lot of things, but I have more than some. I want so much more, but it’s mostly material and not needed. I wish for things that are not realistic or necessary and if I would actually receive these things I don’t think I’d be truly happy at all. So what makes you happy? For some that is a big question. I don’t think we really know what makes us truly happy, not with all the hub/bub that swirls all around us in our insanely fast paced lives. I’ve been working hard on finding what makes me happy. At first I thought it would be having my own place? Nope. Having my husband agree with everything I say? While I admit that’s a nice one what happens when I’m actually wrong and he’s right, it does happen you know. So that’s a no. What about great wealth? That would help out on getting us out of debt and then we could “buy, buy, buy” just all sorts of … yep you guessed it “crap”. Lets face it if you were born poor, lived poor then all of a sudden won the lotto your world flips upside down and you go a tad crazy on a lot of junk just because you can. So I’m sorry but great wealth would just not make me happy.

I live with two of the most negative, pessimistic, depressive, rude and angry people I know. I listen to their crap day in and day out. I’ve let it affect me so much before and in the last few weeks have determined with the help of God I’m just not going to let it get me down anymore. If they have a particular problem with me then I’ll face that problem head on with God right there to help me. Just the other day my husband apologised for not getting me out of here quicker, not making enough money to give me what all I want, reassuring me that he’s still working as hard as he can for me and our family. It brought tears to my eyes. Have I been ungrateful? Not supportive in his continual struggles for reaching the dreams I want? I prayed God change my heart. Make me more grateful, more patient, more excepting to change the things I can and to not stress about the things I can’t. I’ve added the bible verses that speak to me and the ones that my friends gave me for support. I hope they inspire you as much as me.

Galatians 6:9 NIV “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV) “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

Matthew 6:9-13 (KJV) “9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.11 Give us this day our daily bread.12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

One Day Soon

you tell me “keep the faith”

you tell me “don’t lose hope”

you promise “it will happen”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i’ll keep the faith”

i tell myself “i won’t lose hope”

i reassure you “i know you’ll make it happen”

i reassure you “one day soon”

you tell me “don’t listen to thier lies”

you tell me “don’t trouble your heart with saddenss”

you promise “they will not destroy us”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i will only listen to your truths”

i tell myself “i will be happy in our love”

i reassure you “we will not be destroyed”

i reassure you “one day soon”

you tell me “i love you more than life itself”

you tell me “for you i sacrifice it all”

you promise “i will make your dreams come true”

you promise “one day soon”

i tell myself “i love you just as much and more”

i tell myself “i will sacrifice my dreams for you”

i reassure you “i believe you!”

i reassure you “one day soon”

 

 

Before You Can Break The Cycle, You First Have To See It

We all get into those ruts. You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home. You go to work the same way everyday, you come home the same way everyday. You park in the same space at the same store you always go to. You watch the same shows and eat the same foods everyday. Nothing changes, but life is simple and you like that. Okay but what about the emotional ruts? We all get into the physical ruts and you see ton’s of self-help stuff everywhere. Drive a different way to work, listen to a different radio station, go out to eat at someplace new, or start a new hobby. That’s great, change it up a bit! What about the emotional ruts?

Theres that question again. I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 9 yrs, we’ve been together for about 10 (give or take) but I’ve known him for over 20 yrs. We’ve been through a lot and we still live with the parents. His father and my mother (back history, I married my step-brother, I have blogged about it before). I never noticed a problem until our second (my third) child came along. I got post partum real bad and was ready to walk out the door. So I went and got a job, I only worked for 6 months but it really helped and was enough to fix things. Or so I thought.  I won’t get into the exact things we heard on a daily basis but at my husbands and I most breaking point, the point that we were ready to end our marriage we took a time out, a step back and just looked at all the perspectives. A huge eye-opener was what we got!

We were oblivious to the emotional cycles that were constantly moving around us and enveloping us that it took the breaking point that we didn’t want to happen to make us really see it! Living with others is the most difficult thing to do. We are constantly second guessed and overthrown as parents, at times we are even reprimanded and are mostly put on the same level as our own children.  If you have your own place you’re a huge step ahead of me, what I wouldn’t do to have my own place! sharing with your parents and not getting the proper respect as a parent or adult yourself can and is very debilitating. I have anxiety and depression issues continually.

First you have to stop talking to everyone. This is a hard one for me because I’m a talker. I was raised to be a “chatty cathy” and to just gossip like crazy about everyone. As a teen I learned to get ahead of others was to “down” their every move with authority figures in my life.  Second you have to change your way of thinking. If someone is “pumping” you for info pay attention to their words. Only answer direct questions! Think about your answer too, there are ways around it without lying or misleading.  Don’t start a conversation with the “users and abusers”.  Third you have to turn the negativity into positivity! I know your thinking “sounds hard” guess what? It is! Hardest thing I do everyday. I think I’d rather go through all my back problems again than to try to rethink my thoughts! UGH! But your hard work will pay off, I promise! In my case, in living with our parents, here’s our cycle as an example.

My step-father/father in law is an emotional abuser who was very heavily physically and emotional abused as a small child and well into adulthood. He broke the physical part but is extremely abusive mentally. If you’ve ever read anything about the subject you know it’s harder to heal from emotional abuse. Its taken me years to over come some of it, and other parts of it I still have a very huge problem with, to the point that at times I even feel my own husband is against me. My mother is very heavily depressed, I believe her to have bi-polar with manic/depression, only because of my brother who is the same and all the info I’ve read. My mother also suffered some brain damage as a small child from a very high fever and because of that caused her to only “grow” mentally to a certain age. Since I’m now 36 yrs old, I believe her age mentally to be about 15 yrs old, as she mostly acts like my teenage boy. These two parents have never seen a problem with their behavior because they think its normal, it’s all they know. FIL (father in law) grew up with a father that was in and out of jail, that being said his mother (whom herself has been reviled to have been emotionally abusive) remarried and he was very physically abusive. FIL, grew up not knowing love, compassion or nurturing. My mother grew up knowing those things and seemed to raise us relatively well considering but as we passed her mentally she became more frustrated and depressed.

So we fast forward to the present cycle because in looking back I’ve found quite a few but the main one I want to relay is one that I know I’m not alone in going through and Its with this message I wish to help anyone else that is going through the same.

My husband and I will be happy as newlyweds. His father will down me, saying tons of things that aren’t true about me as a person, mother, and wife. When this doesnt’ work to put me in a bad and horrid mood, he starts to down my husband as a man, father and husband. When this doesn’t work to put me in a bad and horrid mood it causes wave after wave of untruths and lies to be piled upon me to get me to break. My husband, who is at work, will not hear any of it unless I tell him and at the beginning I would tell him and he wouldn’t believe me. Why? Because he couldn’t believe that his own dad would be trying to sabotage his marriage and happiness. Its true though, we’ve been tracking his behavior patterns. At first after an episode of this behavior I would scream and yell at my hubby, who being oblivious to it all would wonder WTF! We would “get into it” and then not speak for weeks, yeah weeks of only being cordial as could be without really being happy in each other. It was then when I saw my life of unhappiness engulfing me like flames, killing my spirit and soul that I screamed inside ENOUGH!!!!!! I wrote my hubby a letter pointing out what I saw and just asked him to please open his eyes to his father deceitfulness. It took a while but not really as long as I thought. He soon thought like me and our need to get our own place has become our biggest goal. Why don’t we move now? Easy answer… the economy, credit card bills, ect, ect, ect. The point is that we are one again and have overcome the biggest problem that most can’t seem to find first, we SAW the cycle.

Seeing the cycle is harder than trying to break it. We have a financial plan and are very positive that in the next 2-3 yrs we will be able to get into a place of our own! So how do we handle the oppressive, controlling, and emotional abuse along with the depressive manipulation… easy, we ignore it. You control your thoughts, no one else. If someone says to me, “you can’t clean anything, all you do is sit at your computer all day, what a waste of a life, you’re so lazy and I’m sick of all the stuff you never do, I do everything and your life and opinions are stupid!” Okay most of that is pretty much a lot of what I hear and have heard but hears what I think about it all now… I can’t clean because without me cleaning I know for a fact that this house would not be clean. I do sit at my computer most of the day and sometimes most of the night but I don’t watch tv as he does, really what’s the difference in the screen? NO ONE’S LIFE IS A WASTE! YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE!!! For me I matter to my boys and hubs, along with A LOT of family and friends, so not worried about that one either! What else…. I’m not lazy, I’m pretty much the main cleaner of this house as my mother just goes to work and comes home, she cooks supper M-Th as my FIL is home on Fri’s and will cook along with Sat and Sun, No I don’t cook, but I do everything else… my mother ONLY COOKS, she doesn’t even do their laundry, I do. Next…. Sick of what I don’t do, that list is relatively small as far as he is concerned but ya know what, I’m kinda sick of what I don’t do as well. I don’t go see my friends and family near enough, nor do I get to go shopping as much as I’d just love to do, there’s also that “bucket list” thing.  Because his life was terrible he can’t stand for his children or grandchildren to have it so well, he feels deep down in his soul it is simply just NOT FAIR *kicks and stomps* that he didn’t have a great and happy life!!!! WOW when you really put it into perspective like that, he’s just a child throwing a tantrum saying untruths. So no it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Oh I have my days but they are very far and few between now and with my wonderful loving and supportive husband to lean on I’ll be just fine and we’ll be really great in a few years happy and loving in our own home 😀

See the cycle so you can break it! Love and Light!

Its All In Your Mind

Ever heard that before? I have, tons of times. I had to go to the doctor yesterday morning. I’ve had a cold that’s lasted well over a month. Now the last time I went to the doc for “cold” like symptoms she told me that it was “all in my mind” and it was anxiety issues so you can well imagine my stubbornness of not wanting to go when I have no insurance and we just don’t have the money right now. So as the week has progressed my hubby has been more and more concerned with my heath and reluctantly I scheduled an appointment. I don’t like driving. I don’t like going anywhere alone. I don’t like doctor’s, but I don’t like not being able to breathe or being sick either. Kinda a catch 22 I guess, only with my own mind.

I started out gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white. I was watching the road so closely thinking “dear God please don’t let me wreck” then it hit me. I’m afraid, afraid of living because when you start living you get closer to dying. I’m not so much afraid of dying per say as in the afterlife but the leaving everyone and then also everyone leaving me. I started talking to God about all my fears and then my dreams and my perspective changes slowly over the course of the drive.  So then here I was on my way to the doc’s cruising the beautiful countryside thinking of all the last few weeks having a great conversation with God. Totally peaceful I tell ya. Next time your alone try just a one on one with God, just like he’s a regular Joe. The landscape was breathtaking, such a wonderful day for January in my neck of the woods and without a kiddo in tow (thanks to Papa) I was really at peace to just think about all the why’s and how come’s and whether too’s or what not’s. What I started thinking is that it is all in my mind. I used to be an insurance salesman and go to meetings. Worked everyday, went on trips, to the store all by myself. I started wondering what the heck happened? What made me so paranoid over time? What made me so paranoid with my life to the point of even creating all the drama that surrounds me constantly.

Life happened, and how I took it in. That’s what happened. Life doesn’t come with a handbook. Your raised a certain way of right and wrong and then you go out on your own all the while hoping and praying with fingers and toes crossed you’re doing the right thing. You double your worry and anxiety with each child you have. Your not then just thinking of you but them as well. Now factor in a marriage, all the extra family, along with all the wonderful hormones that us women get to roller coaster life with and stir that all up in a big boiling pot and your liable to get an explosion!

I’ve had a few explosions in my life and had the proverbial “2X4” of reality hit me in the head. I’ve been very grateful for it too. This last hit was hard, I almost lost it. Not just my self but I’m worried now for the damage I’ve caused, but then have I. You know when I took a that break from FB thinking it would be for 21 days it ended up just being less than 7. I really wanted to stay gone for the whole time but with some people it was the only way to communicate so what do you do? This time though I’m not going to check it all the time. I have the will power to NOT let it overcome me! Hide people you don’t want to see, or delete the ones you really don’t want to see you. So I was worried about what some of my family would say about what I said or did but you know what, no one said or did a thing in the whole almost week I was off FB. I haven’t talked to anyone but I would say that because they are true family its truly water under the bridge because every worry that I’ve worried about has just been created by me. truly “Its all in my mind”.

Do me a favor, don’t be too hard on yourself. In the words of my most beloved Grams, God rest her soul, “shit happens and you go on”

Love and Light

My 21 Day Fast

I came  across this fasting idea while reading the christian bible. I have this handy little app on my phone called YouVersion. It’s a bible app and has a ton of different translations along with a variety of studies and devotions. I found this one “the 21 day fast” a couple of months ago and blew it off. Honestly the first thing that came to me to “fast” was Facebook. Ugh, I totally didn’t want to do that! I LOVE FB, but the thing is I am seriously addicted. To the point that checking FB was the first thing I thought of in the morning, the first thing I did. I was on everyday and checking it all day, not listening to my kids while we played or read, half aware of the movie I was watching with my hubby because I was too busy checking my FB, having to check in and post what we all did and take pics of everything so that I could post it. It got to the point that my family doesn’t want me taking pictures anymore, and if I do they say “please don’t put that on FB”. I remember seeing a friend at the school on some family fun night and actually told me, “oh how nice to see you NOT on FB”. I know it was in good fun but my kids also have told me that when I die they will hook my coffin up with DSL so I can still FB in heaven. At the time it was funny, and to some of you it still maybe. I can’t laugh now but I’m hoping that I will in time. See I’m really addicted, like a crack addict. That would be why I refer to FB as “crackbook”, LOL. That I will laugh at because it’s totally freakin true! I’ve deleted and deleted my account SO many times just to be back in a couple of days. I think the longest I went was 3 days and that was really pushing it.

So I found this devotion “The 21 Day Fast” and like I said back a couple of months ago I laughed it off and with no more than a second thought didn’t think I had a “real” problem. Then the drama and lies and horrible things being said started happening. My christmas got ruined and family split apart, some of it unfortunately my fault. Why? When you go to FB what do you read? People’s thoughts for the moment. So if you’re a FB junkie such as myself you many post 20 plus times a day and you air ALL your dirty laundry. Why? Well I’m a bored housewife, maybe I just want to see who’s actually reading, or maybe I want the person that I’m pissed at to read it and see that everyone is reading it too? None of this sank in until the last straw happened. When that happened I just fell apart. I posted apologies on my person page and in a private group I had. I hoped and have prayed that I didn’t cause much damage with my part of it all. I haven’t been on in 2 full days and it has been very hard.

I actually dreamt last night of being on and seeing what everyone wrote about my apologies. Maybe no ones responded. I have thrown myself into my crafts, my kids and actually have got down with them and played and paid full attention, I have enjoyed a movie from start to finish without my phone in hand, I have started some new projects and have also thrown myself into cleaning.

How I did it was I just decided after the apologies I needed a total break, hopefully not for forever but who knows. I love being able to stay in touch with some but like I said before I have to think of my sanity. I removed my apps on my phone, all the shortcuts and don’t even care my phone with me everywhere. I have removed all the shortcuts on my Google bar across the top of my screen and only get my computer as needed, I’m pretty lucky that it’s not needed that much. I didn’t tell everyone and didn’t post anything. I just did it. I think that’s how you have to do it really. I’ve tried telling people and it always would backfire, you know, because something cool or interesting happened and you just have to post!

I’m sick of it running my life, I’m sick of the addiction, I’m sick of not having a life outside of FB and all the drama that it can cause. Now I’m not saying that it can be great, because I know all the good its done and I hope I can go back after I’m out of my fast but I don’t know if I can or If I will want to. Does an obese person want to go back to eating at their old fave fast food dive after shedding 500 pounds? Does a 3 pack a day smoker take up the occasional cigarette just for the hell of it after quitting? I’m not saying that FB is a horrid “crack” addiction to all, what I’m saying is that it became that for me and this is me trying to get clean of it for the good of my life.

So all I can say is day 2 down! Whoo Hoo for me! Pray tomorrow is easier. Light and Love.