I’ve struggled this morning on this blog post trying to find the right words to say, I’ve been praying for days about it actually and then it just hit me so here it goes.
I grew up fundamental independent baptist, whatever that means. Seriously the baptist and Christianity in general have more flavors than Starbucks. As a teen I wrestled with not only who I was but also I had tons of spiritual questions as well. Why is the bible the word we go by? Who really wrote it and is there actually proof that it was not altered by men? Why are women viewed as second class citizens and why can’t I ask questions like that? I was turned away from the baptist religion for lack of understanding and teaching. So I went searching for an answer, and to fill the void in my heart but it wasn’t all spiritual, I had no clue what I really wanted out of life, but really who does at 19 yrs old?
I got a job, found a guy, got married young, had a baby and now was a stay at home mom. Okay so I knew what I was going for the rest of my life… motherhood. Not a bad job, my mom did a great job as I recall and its not like I had any intentions to go get a career type job or go to college so here I was and yet again thru myself into the baptist religion this time though as a mother and wife, not a teen with issues. It seemed though that I still had issues. Now how is that possible well with a non-believing, cheating, druggie husband how could I not have issues. I turned to God and still it was all about the “man” WHAT?!!!! More like whatever at that point in my life, so I started reading the bible for myself and found some things were different than what I was being told. Most preachers are like that, only tell what they seem to think you need to hear. So I started questioning again, feeling that need to fill the void. At the time I thought it was the void for spiritual enlightenment but my heart was hurting from a whole other reason.
I was divorced and a single mom when I started working at an insurance company and thought well I’ve lucked into this one and I think it could be a pretty good career for me. I went to the schooling, I got all my permits and licenses that I needed. Worked with some of the best people on the planet that to this day I miss dearly. I was in and out of church, had boyfriends once in a while but my main focus was my boy and myself. I thought I was doing pretty good with my life but there was still something missing. I still had questions about God and the whole picture along with some serious life delima’s and very dramatic situations.
So I fell in love, you know the type, head over heals 100% in love! Wow and it couldn’t have been better for me or my boy. We’d been best friends forever and already knew each other’s gruesome “love” history so it was actually perfect and everything just fit.
We ended up agreeing to have more children and with being pregnant and trying to work along with having a little one in kindergarten I was feeling the pressure. After 9/11 insurance got outrageous and it was just too stressful, I didn’t want to hurt people I wanted to help people! So I quit and yet again found myself as a stay at home mommy. I was happy with just tending to the farm and the children. As the youngest grew and I was at home with alot of thinking time I struggled with my spiritual questions and with the Internet at my fingertips I dove into theological studies. I looked up every religion I could google and then studied every aspect of it to find the answers to my questions. I found some pretty interesting links to them all and wondered why couldn’t we all just get along but then I realized that men in general find the need to play “king of the mountain” even as adults so that explains it.
The one spiritual path that pulled at me the most was the pagan path. The idea that God is both male and female does appeal to the feminist in me. I dove head first into learning everything I could. I spent alot of my time and $1,000’s of dollars to buy all that I needed to do the ritual’s, offerings, and ceremonies. The one thing was that I thought I was actually getting along with it all just fine, had my hubby, and kids, the religion of my choice but… yeah there was a but, hate it when that happens, dang!
I ended up pregnant for the third and final time wondering if I was going to loose the baby, I had already lost my grandfather and didn’t have a very good relationship with my father along with strained relations with my mother and step-father, whom we were living with and was my husbands father. I tryed every spell I could think of, even bought some on line, yeah I know waste of money, time and stupid. Hang on thought because I said there was a but!
After the birth of my last boy I wanted to find myself, or was I truly just someones mom and wife? What happen to me? My dreams, my hopes, my life? So I went to work at the local nursing home just to get away and yet again found myself working with some of the most wonderful people on the planet to this day I am still very close to some and love them dearly. So motherhood of three boys, a job, the stress of living with the parents and a strained marrage all along with my spiritual questions still and not finding the answer I was looking for. I was so ready to throw in the towel of life and just go away forever!
I ended up quiting my job and yet again found myself again “just” a stay at home mom. I wasn’t too happy with the thought of it but pulled up my big girl panties and just got over it. Yet I was still lacking something. I put away all my pagan stuff and began reading just regular old romance novels, grrrrrr baby! That’ll help the ole marrage relationship! Things were going great and even though there was still that “but” it was very silent. Then my gram’s died, wow did that blow my world apart!
I was so close to her, way closer to her than I am my mom. I contemplated all that I had learned spiritually and then got all my books out and dove into it all again trying to find the answer to a question that I had but didn’t really know what it was at all. I just knew I was searching for something. My sister had been on my butt about getting back together with our father, whom we’d had a severed relationship for 7 yrs and he had never meet his last two grandboys. So I decided by-gone’s and gave it a go.
That first summer we had a blast with my dad, my marrage was getting along terrific, we were getting along really well, I was still a nut and had my “questions” about life in general and actually deeper questions now that my gram’s was gone. But…. yeah there’s that but again, nasty little word always throwing itself into things!
That fall was when my back finally called it a quits and when I got into the therapy part of it I had alot of time on my own to think and read. With the pain I was in I had said every spell, called to every god and goddess I could think of, reaserched every thing I could to help me. My chropractor and his wife are good christian people, the ones that are far and few between. Not pushy just there. I found myself contomplating talking to God again but I had gone so far away from Christianity how in the world would I do it?
One day as I was strapped into my therapy session, I was all alone that day and having a very painful day. I cryed, I really tryed not to but everything just came to a head that week and with this I just couldn’t handle it anymore so I cryed. As I looked out the window I found myself thinking of Our Holy Father and just broke down and prayed. I prayed for forgivness of all that I had done against Him. I prayed He heal me and if I was to truly go on the path of Christianity again to show me a very clear sign!
I put up all my pagan books and things again and didn’t tell a soul. As far as anyone was concered I was a pagan still even though I was living a christian, so I was a closet christian, LOL. I have to laugh at that as it sounds so very wrong and messed up. My therapy went on along with the entire summer and then right before the holiday’s my middle boy came to me and asked me to read the bible to him and how excatly do you get to heaven. WOW I thought, Lord when you give a sign, you really give a sign!
My two youngest were saved that night and my while my oldest was saved as a young one such as them he is up for listening to all we teach and read, and yes even pray. I prayed a rededication to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ along with His and Our Holy Father to live my life as He see’s fit to live 100% for Him and for Him to help me be the type of wife, mother and woman He would have me be. The next morning I felt awake, like a weight had been lifted. As if all the questions I had been searching for had just been answered, I for once in my life felt peace spritually and that was one of the most wonderful feelings that you can feel.
I went out and bought a bible, I perticuarly like the NIV over the KJV just because Shakespere is a little hard for me to grasp. As I’ve been reading bible studies and diving into the written word of God I’ve found out that its just so much easier to pray to God for Him to just handle it all and then the fact that you only need one book.
So my oldest whom has grown up with my openminded pagan way of thinking is blown away at the fact that I can just change overnight in my thought. It wasn’t overnight I explained as you’ve well read, it was over years and many thoughts that I ended up to my final place in my path to enlightenment. We all have that road to journey. I did find my way back to Jesus and it was easy, he was hiding behind the couch the whole time. Me, well I’m close but I’m still searching for myself but… don’t worry this one’s a good but, I’m very happy with the journey I’m on now. I don’t know what’s around the bend but i’m still on the road and I’ll get there when I do and I’ll just take one step at a time and get there just when I’m supposed too.
Everyone of us has our own journey to travel. I don’t like pushy travelers, your road is your own and you don’t need to tell another what shoes to wear.
I’m very happy in Our Lord and in my life, I love everyday and find great joy in my boys and have a love I never thought possible in my husband. My wish, hope, and prayer would be that you would find the same. Give life a chance, make the most of what you’ve been given in this world. You may not be given much but as Jesus points out in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John…. You are so worth it, and your giving in any shape or form is most welcome.