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I Don’t Thrive In Darkness Anymore

I ran across a verse today in my bible study.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It made me think of different situations around me. I have a brother who because of a heavy drug addiction let his life go and now suffers greatly for it. He is now on disability and has several health issues. I know a lady who thrives on her being ill along with her children, as I read about it constantly, yet none are really that sick. I myself have “played victim” in a vast world of “look at me’s” that surround and consume us, drowning the OK ones out for good.

I think we want the darkness, we want bad stuff to happen. Not too bad of course because then it gets serious but we want the compassion, attention, empathy from others that playing the victim gets us. I used this all too often for my own advantage, even within my family. Having “mental” parents is a blessing to someone whose trying to manipulate the situation to then be all about them.

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I know it sounds horrid, but true. And truth is where I wanted to go. I didn’t want to thrive in the darkness anymore, I wanted to go into the light! The day I gave my life over to Christ a whole new light open up to me. I still struggle, living with a bi-polar mom and emotional abusive/high anxiety step-dad along with my hubby and kids believe me I have my days. BUT…. God sees me through it all!

I don’t play victim anymore. If either of them have an episode then I pray, I go visit a friend, I read, I craft, I… the thing is I step away from the situation. I can’t change them, they have to change themselves. I can’t change where I am, but I can change who I am.

They aren’t angry or hurt or upset with me, they are angry and hurt and upset because of the past they continue to hang on too and lashing out at a happy person set on peace with God is the best way to deal. I know this because I did it too. So like the ones I hurt in the past with my outlash of jealousy stings I smile and pray for them. God changed my heart, I thought an extremely impossible feat. So I know he can change theirs.

Psalm 4:1 “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress: have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”

For now I choose to stay in the dark, sacrificing for Christ. The light surrounds me though so as I stumble I’m able to find my way up again. I won’t complain though, I will thank God for giving me the chance to do this for His Glory.

I can’t see God’s plan and I’m glad. I’d want to make a million and one changes and then end up ruining the whole thing. I have to let my walls down and give in to trust. A big step for me, yet for God, I fall back blindlessly knowing He’ll catch me every time.

Romans 12:10 “be devoted to one another in love. honor one another above yourselves.”

The Silent Christian

When I was little I remember as a family praying before we ate supper whether we were at home or out in public. I never thought much of it, it was how I was raised. I had family that would pray at all times for anything and everything, public or privately. Being raised in a huge christian family made it all normal.

When my parents divorced and my mom forgo the formality of religion I did sway from the Lord. As said in previous blogs I had my rebellious stage. I have since rededicated my life to the Lord and in doing so I’ve dove into God’s holy word. Some people read and hear but don’t truly see or listen. Preachers will teach what they nonchalantly know of what is “excepted”. I really have yet to hear one that goes against the grain of society.

If you truly read scripture you will see what I’m talking about. Jesus’s reason for being here was to lead us to God through him, true. He also was to help us form the true church, which I have yet to find. The church is us, not a building. Friends, fellowship, dedication to the Word, and our Father in heaven.

Praying is a big one, lots of us claim to do it but do we truly do it? Some have to pray out in public and in front of others for such a show as to claim, “oh look at me I’m a christian and i am praying” when Jesus clearly states in

Matthew 6:6 “But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.” (KJV)

He want us to pray in secret! Not for anyone else but HIM! Those “showy” christian that have to “prove” something by praying in public are going against all that’s taught. Your true witness is in your daily life to family and friends.

Do you cuss when you think no one else is around? Do you say bad things about family members because you “know” better? Do you think yourself better because you pray in public and go to church? All these are sin’s unto the Father and unfortunately are most christians. I do not shun them, I do not write this to speak badly of a group that so badly is striving to do good for God. I write this for a wake up call! How are we christians to reach the unbelieving when our paths are so crupted that it is them that can see it clear as day?

James 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. (KJV)

So many of us just go and hear the Word but never really apply it. As a kid were you ever told “do as I say not as I do”? I was and have said that to my boys as I’ve raised them. It wasn’t until my youngest told me “Mama, why am I not supposed to say bad words in front of girls and ladies when you say bad words?” Ouch! Out of the mouths of babes. He was right and I couldn’t get on to him for that. So from that day on even though anyone that knows me knows my favorite bad word was the “F” word I quit say them. Completely! Much like quitting smoking or drinking or any bad habit I did slip once in a while at first but now its been almost 6 months bad word free and even in my typing I won’t do it. You can ask my hubby that even in private I wont say a word. So what about when you’re raving mad? Well I’m human and some words might slip but even when I’m raving mad I still call upon God to silence my tounge.

Psalm 119:11 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

I pray daily, I read my bible daily, I devote all I do to the Lord.  I do not pray in public, I do not go to church regularly, I do not act like something I’m not. I truly believe with my whole heart and without conviction that I am doing what the Lord wants me to do, whether you approve or not it matters not. I’m doing my Lords work and that is all that matters.


Suprising For Us But Never For Him

Luke 5:21-2621The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, “Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” 22 Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? 23 Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? 24 But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” 25 Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. 26 Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, “We have seen remarkable things today.”

In my experiences people think one of two ways when someone is going through a tough time or they are horribly sick. One, that you must have done something horrid against God and are being punished or Two, that the devil is got a strong hold on you. Here’s what I think: whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ve heard that a million times from my late Grams. I think, and believe me I’ve had my share of rough times, that yes bad things happen to good people but we can use these bad things as stepping-stones toward a glorious future.

The Pharisees didn’t think  Jesus had the authority but also they probably thought the guy that was sick deserved what he was getting even though were not told his faults. Jesus doesn’t say a word about the man either telling us through these words that whatever our sin if we believe and ask we will be forgiven and also its just between us and the Lord.

Luke 5:27-32 27 After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. “Follow me,” Jesus said to him, 28and Levi got up, left everything and followed him. 29 Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. 30But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” 31 Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

Levi, which its reveled to be Matthew one of the chosen disciples and author of one of the gospels, was a tax collector and sinner extrodenare! YET… out of  the crown of  great religious leaders and powerful people Jesus goes to him and has dinner. Asked him to just pick up and “follow me” and he does without hesitation. WOW, what a testimony! And from the most unlikely character, I would have loved to see the look on those guys faces. The other were already following in the flesh but what about following with the whole heart? Jesus chose Matthew because of his heart and not his outward show to everyone.

People today do the same, some go to church (I’ve said it before) and talk the walk but never walk it themselves. So with this story before us in scripture is it truly so hard to believe that one who was a most grievous sinner would be the chosen one to lead a congregation back to the folds of the true church? One of the worst things we all do is think “we’re better” for one reason or another. Maybe because of our last name, or we have more money, perhaps what we should do is stand-off our pedestals for a moment and actually mingle and listen to “the worst ones of the bunch” because they might just teach us something.

Dear God,

Open my ears and heart to listen to the ones you sent with a message for us to learn more about how to live for you.



Knowing We’re Ready But Needing That “little” Push

John 2:1-5 ” 1 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, 2 and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” 4 “Woman,why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” 5 His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”

I don’t think Jesus knew he was ready. I know that obviously he knew what his job and goal was on earth for his heavenly father but I don’t think he truly knew that this particular time was “the time” for the first miracle. I think he was waiting for God to personally tell him that “now” was the time face to face. God did tell him though, through Mary his mother and face to face. God does that for us as well, using our parents, friends, loved ones maybe even our kids to tell us things we need to know or signs we need to listen too and he’s telling us face to face but we say we aren’t ready or that’s not the sign I’m looking for all along its God sending it.

When Mary says “they have no wine” I don’t take it as a minor observation. She turns right around and tells the servants to “do whatever he tells you”. I believe maybe they shared some looks between them, mother and son. She knew now was the time just as Jesus knew now was the time, he just was waiting for the right sign and didn’t take that as the one. He did in the end and we know this because he did in fact change the water into wine. Maybe it was the tone of Mary’s voice the look on her face that caused him to “know” now was in the time, even if at first he didn’t think it was.

How many of us say that all the time with the continual signs that are thrown in our faces? I’ve done it tons of times, waiting for God to personally come down and have a face to face with me. It’s the simple signs that are the easiest to overlook. If your missing them then just take a break from everything and everyone. Give yourself a time-out so to speak. Pray and be still and listen, the person that God is working through may just be the person you are ignoring most.

Dear God,

Help me to see the little things you put before me as the signs you’ve sent to help me along my path.


Watchin Life Fly By Out The Window

I found this picture just now and I thought “wow that looks like me”. Not the girl so much but the picture itself. I’m always on the inside looking out at everyone living life around me. The sad thing is, its not that I don’t want to or that I’m scarred or don’t have the money too. I even have full support of my husband! So why don’t I join the PTO like I want to or go to church and have BBQ’s and invite people over? Simple… its where I live and who I live with. My father in law is such a NON-people person and hermit that he absolutly doesn’t want anyone here, especially anyone he doesn’t know. I truely almost laugh most days at this because I really wanna ask him if he’s got Jimmy Hoffa hidden here, LOL.

So I watch life go by through my window of the world called FB at all my friends and family being a part of differnet things and wonder what it would be like to have that. To be a part of something and make new friends. Oh I know that this isn’t the middle ages and I “have rights” yadda, yadda, yadda. Listen the basics is this : you don’t live here, you don’t know the situation so we try to just all co-exsist harmoniously as we can. Wait let me refrase that, we all try to walk on egg-shells and not rock the boat to upset the sleeping dragon so to speak around here. Some days are harder than others, today is one of those days. I’m just having a down day.

Exodus 3:7-10

New International Version (NIV)

7 The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”

Dear God,
I know I’m only one person but I’m in my own little Egypt here and rescue would be terrific! A home of our own that we might raise our children our way would be a blessing to you Father. I will stay for now and be content in the fact though that you are working below the surface hidden and that your way and time is when it will be done. I have faith in you Lord that you will deliever me and my family at just the right time. I pray for the strength to endure until the time your ready to call us out of here. As always,
Just be with me, never leave me alone! ~ Amen