I ask my self all the time..”what’s truely normal?” Somedays I feel great, on top of the world and in control. Other days worry, anxiety, and fear creep in.
I joined the church and told myself this was normal, normal people get up and go and are a part of the community. I joined the PTO and told myself this was normal, normal Mama’s join and go and are a part of the community. I smile and am pleasant to fellow Mama’s and Daddy’s that live their lives, normal as I see it, and I pretend to be normal. I can hear some of you scoffing “we’re not so normal” or did you give the eye roll?
Let me tell you what’s normal for me then you let me know if your normal is the same or different.
I live with my bipolar/depressed mother and high anxiety/depressed step-father who at times do to his very troubled and highly abusive life is a tad emotionally abusive to us. Over the years I’ve fought being here, I’ve left only to come back over a handful of times only to finally marry my step brother and end up staying for the last 11 yrs. I’ve prayed and prayed, asked God “why am I here?” Wanting to leave and have my own place so very bad and get away from the crazy!!!! BUT…what if this is where I’m to be? One day I woke up and wondered “what if I could be there saving grace?” Then I changed my prayers. Living here is hard work, emotionally most days. I’m not giving up though!
Some people over the years have said “why do you stay?” How can you live in a home that’s not yours? How can you continue to live “under” the thumb of your parents? How can you continue to oblige them with their idiosyncrasies and sacrifice soooooo much of your own life? How are you even happy?
I’m happy now. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back. I have some extra’s like internet and stitching supplies, some books and crafting things. My boys are very spoiled and I have a very loving husband. I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom yet have a few health issues not any too bad.
I used to hate it here. I would complain endlessly to anyone that would listen. Once I quit trying to be someone I’m not it helped alot. I’ve read Jesus tells us to help the poor and sick, I think that also means the poor and sick in spirit. I feel God put me here for a reason, His reason and that’s finally good enough for me. I know for some don’t understand, its not for you to understand. See I don’t quite understand it all either, but I have faith and that faith is more powerful than all the understanding in the world.