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Archive for May, 2013

I Don’t Thrive In Darkness Anymore

I ran across a verse today in my bible study.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It made me think of different situations around me. I have a brother who because of a heavy drug addiction let his life go and now suffers greatly for it. He is now on disability and has several health issues. I know a lady who thrives on her being ill along with her children, as I read about it constantly, yet none are really that sick. I myself have “played victim” in a vast world of “look at me’s” that surround and consume us, drowning the OK ones out for good.

I think we want the darkness, we want bad stuff to happen. Not too bad of course because then it gets serious but we want the compassion, attention, empathy from others that playing the victim gets us. I used this all too often for my own advantage, even within my family. Having “mental” parents is a blessing to someone whose trying to manipulate the situation to then be all about them.

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I know it sounds horrid, but true. And truth is where I wanted to go. I didn’t want to thrive in the darkness anymore, I wanted to go into the light! The day I gave my life over to Christ a whole new light open up to me. I still struggle, living with a bi-polar mom and emotional abusive/high anxiety step-dad along with my hubby and kids believe me I have my days. BUT…. God sees me through it all!

I don’t play victim anymore. If either of them have an episode then I pray, I go visit a friend, I read, I craft, I… the thing is I step away from the situation. I can’t change them, they have to change themselves. I can’t change where I am, but I can change who I am.

They aren’t angry or hurt or upset with me, they are angry and hurt and upset because of the past they continue to hang on too and lashing out at a happy person set on peace with God is the best way to deal. I know this because I did it too. So like the ones I hurt in the past with my outlash of jealousy stings I smile and pray for them. God changed my heart, I thought an extremely impossible feat. So I know he can change theirs.

Psalm 4:1 “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress: have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”

For now I choose to stay in the dark, sacrificing for Christ. The light surrounds me though so as I stumble I’m able to find my way up again. I won’t complain though, I will thank God for giving me the chance to do this for His Glory.

I can’t see God’s plan and I’m glad. I’d want to make a million and one changes and then end up ruining the whole thing. I have to let my walls down and give in to trust. A big step for me, yet for God, I fall back blindlessly knowing He’ll catch me every time.

Romans 12:10 “be devoted to one another in love. honor one another above yourselves.”

Normal Is Just A Cycle On The Washer

I ask my self all the time..”what’s truely normal?” Somedays I feel great, on top of the world and in control. Other days worry, anxiety, and fear creep in.

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I joined the church and told myself this was normal, normal people get up and go and are a part of the community. I joined the PTO and told myself this was normal, normal Mama’s join and go and are a part of the community. I smile and am pleasant to fellow Mama’s and Daddy’s that live their lives, normal as I see it, and I pretend to be normal. I can hear some of you scoffing “we’re not so normal” or did you give the eye roll?

Let me tell you what’s normal for me then you let me know if your normal is the same or different.

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I live with my bipolar/depressed mother and high anxiety/depressed step-father who at times do to his very troubled and highly abusive life is a tad emotionally abusive to us. Over the years I’ve fought being here, I’ve left only to come back over a handful of times only to finally marry my step brother and end up staying for the last 11 yrs. I’ve prayed and prayed, asked God “why am I here?” Wanting to leave and have my own place so very bad and get away from the crazy!!!! BUT…what if this is where I’m to be? One day I woke up and wondered “what if I could be there saving grace?” Then I changed my prayers. Living here is hard work, emotionally most days. I’m not giving up though!

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Some people over the years have said “why do you stay?” How can you live in a home that’s not yours? How can you continue to live “under” the thumb of your parents? How can you continue to oblige them with their idiosyncrasies and sacrifice soooooo much of your own life? How are you even happy?

I’m happy now. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back. I have some extra’s like internet and stitching supplies, some books and crafting things. My boys are very spoiled and I have a very loving husband. I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom yet have a few health issues not any too bad.

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I used to hate it here. I would complain endlessly to anyone that would listen. Once I quit trying to be someone I’m not it helped alot. I’ve read Jesus tells us to help the poor and sick, I think that also means the poor and sick in spirit. I feel God put me here for a reason, His reason and that’s finally good enough for me. I know for some don’t understand, its not for you to understand. See I don’t quite understand it all either, but I have faith and that faith is more powerful than all the understanding in the world.