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Archive for October, 2012

Keeping Time

You know those tick tock clocks that just sway back and forth helping you keep time with the piano? If I close my eyes I can hear the soft tick tock, tick tock in the silence of my day. I try to focus on the beat of it to get just one step after another done. I get so overwhelmed with my lists of things to do that I hop from thing to thing and nothing ever gets done. So I listen and embrace the tick tock to help me through my day.

Running late for school, racing to get the kids up and around. Always in a hurry, hurry, hurry! Going to this function, attending this party, participating in this activity! GO! GO! GO! Time was my keeper and she wasn’t kind. I was so frustrated and stressed at it all. I felt like time was this evil end to me that was always on my mind. The clock was always clouding my vision to all other things around me.

When my oldest moved out and leaving me down to just two boys instead of three I thought it would be easier. It was harder at first and I raced even harder against time to keep my boys from feeling the heartache of missing their older brother. After a couple of months of racing my middle one, who had just assumed the role of oldest in the household, took me aside and said “Mama, lets just stay home.” My two little ones were okay with not running everywhere. They didn’t want to watch the clock for any reason what so ever. They just wanted to play and be outside and enjoy what ever life threw them that day and let the next be a new adventure! My boys taught me to relax and let go.

I never played the piano, I never played any instrument yet that soothing comfort of almost heartbeats I always found calming. With two little boys running a muck and living with Mama and Daddy still our house can get frazzled so easily. Chaos consumes my weekends so that when Monday comes I find my time-keeper and just breathe.

Society Says I Should Hate Her

I met a girl that’s outgoing, full of life and fun, giving of herself to others so very much, doing above and beyond the call of her place. I like her and can see us being friends but for a little bit of who she is and the undertone of lies that surround her. She is my ex-husbands girlfriend, society says I should hate her, but I found a possible friend in the girl.

My son, 15, after always living with me wanted to go live with his father. As he was going to start High School a new chapter in his life, he was leaving the only home he knew. My heart broke but I understood his decision. I let my baby go and when I did I put away my thoughts of my ex and his girlfriend and tried to embrace them cordially in hopes of staying in my son’s life and choices he may make.

She took all the paper work I gave my ex, the paper work of doctors info, dentist, eyeglasses appt’s coming up, school and birth papers and so on. She took over my role as mother for my son and my heart broke. I saw my son only every two weeks, just as he had seen his father all the time he was living here. Each visit I saw him happier and happier and the broke pieces of my shattered mothers heart started to heal. Seeing your child happy is truly every mothers deepest wish. I couldn’t hate this girl, yes girl for she is half my age, even though everyone around me says I should. She was caring for my child, she was helping his father making him happy.

My thoughts went to being more friendly in hopes of getting even closer for the sake of my son. She is a bit more head strong than me and took the reigns from my ex. She’s the one I speak to more, she’s the one that is in control of my ex and my son. I don’t like it, I’ve always been control of my son and now its out of my hands. So I prayed and I pray still, God is in control not her and that gives me peace of mind.

I found out something disturbing this weekend. A lie that has been hidden that would have changed my allowance of his even being able to move there. At first I was angry, then hurt. It was her or even my ex that kept this from me but my son. He knew I wouldn’t let him go and he’s hated it here for so long that no matter what he was moving to his father’s house and away from here. Heartbreak happened again.

All I can do is pray. Pray that my son still comes to see me, pray that he makes all the right decisions, pray that God controls it all. But I can’t hater her or even my ex. Everyone has their own life to live as they see fit. I have different values than others and then others have different ones than me. I will stay cordial and friendly toward them because of my son, but we will not be friends.