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Archive for August, 2012

My Cowboy Story

Its short but sweet. The cowboys I’ve known in my life are unlike any other breed of man I’ve ever known. To me cowboys represent the highest respect of a lady, I think of Hoss and Little Joe, Marshal Dillon, John Wayne, Gus and Woodrow… the list could go on but I’m also lucky enough to have cowboys in my family and know the honored kindness they can bestow.

The first cowboy I ever knew was my Grandpa. He was polite, kind, very generous to family. Always helping others. He was a bit of a carpenter and made a trailer to be able to take us for rides on his big lawn mower. I knew that cowboys were nice and polite and caring because of him. This picture was taken at my wedding to my own cowboy. He died shortly after.

The second cowboy I ever knew was my step-dad. He is a tad ornery but very family generated. He is the John Wayne/Woodrow type that’s totally traditional in every way and raised us all as such. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if not for him.  I found this picture of him with my youngest son working in the garden. If he isn’t there with his Papa Cowboy he’s on the tractor or feeding the cows and horses.

My cowboy, my love, my wonderful husband is the third cowboy I ever met. I met him in school when we were little. He was and is still my best friend. He rarely allows my to take his picture and when I was wanting one this was the result. I went through my rebellious stage of going out with “bad boy” types but my heart was always with him, my cowboy love. The country may not have been where I was born, however it most certainly was where I was raised and where my roots are firmly planted. We live on a little piece of land in Missouri together and are raising our boys in the most wonderful way there is… The Cowboy Way.

Single Yet Married

Whether you work outside of the home or stay at home, whether you’re the mother or the father. The actual role of mother and father differ in any case. Remember watching “Mr. Mom” with Michael Keaton? His woes were not unlike a lot of the same us Stay At Home Mommies (SAHM) are. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids, play groups, mommies groups… the list goes on and when the Mom got home as is with lots of Dad’s out there she was tired and just wanted to rest from a very hard day at work. What about that poor Dad like most of us SAHM’s full day of work. That not many think is work, even in my own family I get told I sit at home and “do nothing”, yet their laundry is mysteriously folded and put in their drawers, everything ends up being put in its place by fairies and the dirt just disappears. According to some I spend all day watching soaps or playing on the computer. I can tell you I haven’t watched a soap ever being a SAHM unless I was visiting my Grams while she was alive. Now I have spent days on the computer, playing? Maybe some games but I blog, I edit the pics of my babies, I read about the world news or maybe a book, magazine, listen to some really terrific music or just chat with friends and family. I love to learn and have the world at my fingertips and access is such a blessing to us all to not use it. But I digress.

SAHMs or Dad’s to you ever feel that your “single yet married”? I do and I’ve had a very hard time trying to deal with it. The first thing you have to do is talk to your spouse and relay your feelings of needing help. You can’t just keep it all bottled up in side and expect them to read your mind of needs. They may not know and as a couple in a mature adult relationship you should have open communication of feeling and thought. I often felt put off by my hubby and as I would just do everything started to get that hateful feeling of maybe if I’m going to be single yet married i should just be single. NO!!!!! If your already thinking that please go talk to your spouse, communication, communication, communication!!!!! The world is so full of people just giving up and throwing away good things, relationships are one of them.

As I said I had these feelings a couple of years ago. Hubs leaves for work at 4:45a and gets home about 3 or 4p depending on if he’s had an emergency or not to finish fixing. He works with his brother at a plumbing company. Not plumbers, pipe layers and fixers. He works with a lot of machinery, in deep holes and needs to be alert in his job. When he gets home he’s got the farm to care for; watering and feeding, fixing fence or doctoring the sick, then supper and homework help with the boys as I clean up. After I’m done I take over the homework and the rest of the night with showers, pick-up and school readiness for the next day as Daddy get ready to go to bed. This used to bother me and how many of us SAHMs think this way. You know the thoughts “it’s not fair. i do everything. he does nothing. I’m tired too. and then he wants to cuddle” It truly used to drive me just batty! Then I started looking at it from his perspective and the lack of sleep he gets because he gets up when everyone asleep to check things and if an animal needs help. He gets up the earliest, he doesn’t grip at all when I spend some money on me for something of frivolity. He works in the extreme cold or heat outside in all the elements while I’m at home sleeping in or enjoying blogging and my cup of coffee. All he asks is at the end of a very long day to go to sleep early and when he wakes as I’m falling asleep to show me how much he loves me. He never complains yet I complain loads and he listens because he loves me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So one night when the kiddo’s were at their grandparents I relayed my woes of fatigue. To my surprise he was very understanding and even apologized for not helping as much. Since then we have set up a system. Sun-Thurs are my nights for clean up and kiddo care, he stays up a bit to help extra with homework or reading. Fri and Sat he takes over and I go to bed early or whatever. When it comes to “couple time” if you must schedule then do it! But make time to be together and relive and keep alive the love you have.  The Bible tells us that we need each other, we do not own ourselves we are each others. When you give yourself in marriage you love heart, body and soul and that love doesn’t go away. Oh we get down and angry at situations and outcomes but that love that need doesn’t go away and as you married you owe it to your spouse to honor that commitment. So am I “single yet married”? Yeah… but only during deer rifle season 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Corinthians 7:2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

Mean Reds Creaping

Its been a case of the “mean reds” creaping in last night and even into this morning. If you’ve ever seen the movie “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” with Audrey Hepburn you know what I’m talking about. The mean reds are worse than the blues, your afraid and you don’t know of what or why, you just are. I have these what I like to call “episodes” every now and then. This week started great. Last week, stellar. So what gave? Dad, remember I said he was a pill at times? Well every once in a while the pill gets jagged. He’s very emotionally abusive. Thing is he was very physically and emotionally abused as a child and while his children and grandchildren have never been subject to his hand, his words are a whole different story. He’s not my biological dad, he’s my step-dad but “my dad” in ever since. Even with the emotional abuse he’s loads better than my bio-father, he’s actually worse. My mother is bi-polar and manic-depressive and I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of it all. Not quite the setting one has for a life and I suppose I could have gone down several different roads because of it all. I did travel down the drug abuse path. I traveled down the what I call “spiritually” rebellious path. Why do I call it that? I think spiritual rebellion is anything you do or worship different from what you were raised, gives one a high so to speak to “go against the grain”. Is it wrong? I don’t believe so if your questions are true to your heart, but in my case I was just trying to get a “rise” outta certain people in my life. No cool at all and very self damaging.

 

Last week was the first week of school for my boys. I was so happy to get the house to myself but that didn’t happen. My step-dad/dad/father-in-law, okay some back history for those that don’t know I married my step-brother we weren’t raised together and it’s too long a story for now, hurt his back and was home the whole week. Usually that would suck a big monkey’s butt however it really wasn’t that bad. Over the weekend was the usual tenseness of everyone here, again that’s a whole other story. I can tell you by Sunday night it was very loud and clear that dear ole dad needed to go back to work and get outta the house. Yesterday Mr. 8, my middle boy stayed home from school with a cold and bit of fever. It was a decent day and as I was starting to not feel that great myself I didn’t throw myself into cleaning like crazy. I did some spot cleaning and a little laundry. Dad comes home and is a horrid mood, the type of mood that you don’t look him in the eye, you don’t have an opinion about anything and most of all don’t ever respond to what he says unless you are fully supporting everything he just said! Those are the nights I stay in my room as much as possible. Sometimes hard with the boys being all over the house. Last night was no different. As a mother we reprimand our children, if we see them sitting wrong or playing the wrong way, if they have toys all over, or something needs picked up or put away. A ton of things can be said. On these bad days, I will get yelled at for reprimanding my own children. I will get yelled at for not cleaning something properly. I will get yelled at for just being at home. I will get yelled at for not doing everything and if I feel bad or my back hurts it doesn’t matter, that’s not a good enough excuse at all. It’s these very bad days that send me spiraling into my depression and its these days that make me wanna run away from it all.

That’s when I pray! Pray harder than ever. God chose me to go through this all, He wants me here for some reason that is beyond my imagination and to help His cause in some way. It is for me to go through and lean on His understanding not mine, because I’m baffled at it all. So what I did last night was ignored him, and bit my tounge. Yes I still have a tounge but just barely, LOL. I put a smile on and laugh with my kids, read stories and play. I helped them pick up and when they were settled in bed I went to be with my hubby and stayed in our room for the rest of the night. I don’t have to deal with him in the mornings because he’s gone before we all get up. Friday I’ll have to but today I didn’t and I won’t tomorrow or the next day either. I’m thankful for the day’s I have to myself and when he’s here I have a room or a good friend’s I can escape to. My husband and I have the most wonderful love and friendship, his father has never known that and neither has my mother, who suffers from depression and bi-polar and can be a huge negative influence around me. My boys are such wonderfully happy normal kids! We have taught them to ignore, ignore, ignore and be happy in each other.

 

Oh you might wonder “why on earth are you still there?” Well that is a good question with a very simple answer, NO MONEY. Medical problems with no insurance or state help = high credit card debt, hospital bills, and very little income left over to survive. This is how it must be for now and that’s just the way it is. It actually cost too much for me to go to work too, daycare for after school and summer is outrageous. So instead of throwing a pity party which is what I’ve done for many years. I’m going to embrace what God has given me for whatever reasons He did. I will clean and clean, I will keep my mouth shut and just be and raise my kids. I will be the quiet, docile creature of God that will soothe the sleeping dragon on most days and when he roars I will hum a little tone to soothe him back to sleep again so that my fellow villagers don’t get eaten.