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Archive for January, 2012

Before You Can Break The Cycle, You First Have To See It

We all get into those ruts. You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home. You go to work the same way everyday, you come home the same way everyday. You park in the same space at the same store you always go to. You watch the same shows and eat the same foods everyday. Nothing changes, but life is simple and you like that. Okay but what about the emotional ruts? We all get into the physical ruts and you see ton’s of self-help stuff everywhere. Drive a different way to work, listen to a different radio station, go out to eat at someplace new, or start a new hobby. That’s great, change it up a bit! What about the emotional ruts?

Theres that question again. I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 9 yrs, we’ve been together for about 10 (give or take) but I’ve known him for over 20 yrs. We’ve been through a lot and we still live with the parents. His father and my mother (back history, I married my step-brother, I have blogged about it before). I never noticed a problem until our second (my third) child came along. I got post partum real bad and was ready to walk out the door. So I went and got a job, I only worked for 6 months but it really helped and was enough to fix things. Or so I thought.  I won’t get into the exact things we heard on a daily basis but at my husbands and I most breaking point, the point that we were ready to end our marriage we took a time out, a step back and just looked at all the perspectives. A huge eye-opener was what we got!

We were oblivious to the emotional cycles that were constantly moving around us and enveloping us that it took the breaking point that we didn’t want to happen to make us really see it! Living with others is the most difficult thing to do. We are constantly second guessed and overthrown as parents, at times we are even reprimanded and are mostly put on the same level as our own children.  If you have your own place you’re a huge step ahead of me, what I wouldn’t do to have my own place! sharing with your parents and not getting the proper respect as a parent or adult yourself can and is very debilitating. I have anxiety and depression issues continually.

First you have to stop talking to everyone. This is a hard one for me because I’m a talker. I was raised to be a “chatty cathy” and to just gossip like crazy about everyone. As a teen I learned to get ahead of others was to “down” their every move with authority figures in my life.  Second you have to change your way of thinking. If someone is “pumping” you for info pay attention to their words. Only answer direct questions! Think about your answer too, there are ways around it without lying or misleading.  Don’t start a conversation with the “users and abusers”.  Third you have to turn the negativity into positivity! I know your thinking “sounds hard” guess what? It is! Hardest thing I do everyday. I think I’d rather go through all my back problems again than to try to rethink my thoughts! UGH! But your hard work will pay off, I promise! In my case, in living with our parents, here’s our cycle as an example.

My step-father/father in law is an emotional abuser who was very heavily physically and emotional abused as a small child and well into adulthood. He broke the physical part but is extremely abusive mentally. If you’ve ever read anything about the subject you know it’s harder to heal from emotional abuse. Its taken me years to over come some of it, and other parts of it I still have a very huge problem with, to the point that at times I even feel my own husband is against me. My mother is very heavily depressed, I believe her to have bi-polar with manic/depression, only because of my brother who is the same and all the info I’ve read. My mother also suffered some brain damage as a small child from a very high fever and because of that caused her to only “grow” mentally to a certain age. Since I’m now 36 yrs old, I believe her age mentally to be about 15 yrs old, as she mostly acts like my teenage boy. These two parents have never seen a problem with their behavior because they think its normal, it’s all they know. FIL (father in law) grew up with a father that was in and out of jail, that being said his mother (whom herself has been reviled to have been emotionally abusive) remarried and he was very physically abusive. FIL, grew up not knowing love, compassion or nurturing. My mother grew up knowing those things and seemed to raise us relatively well considering but as we passed her mentally she became more frustrated and depressed.

So we fast forward to the present cycle because in looking back I’ve found quite a few but the main one I want to relay is one that I know I’m not alone in going through and Its with this message I wish to help anyone else that is going through the same.

My husband and I will be happy as newlyweds. His father will down me, saying tons of things that aren’t true about me as a person, mother, and wife. When this doesnt’ work to put me in a bad and horrid mood, he starts to down my husband as a man, father and husband. When this doesn’t work to put me in a bad and horrid mood it causes wave after wave of untruths and lies to be piled upon me to get me to break. My husband, who is at work, will not hear any of it unless I tell him and at the beginning I would tell him and he wouldn’t believe me. Why? Because he couldn’t believe that his own dad would be trying to sabotage his marriage and happiness. Its true though, we’ve been tracking his behavior patterns. At first after an episode of this behavior I would scream and yell at my hubby, who being oblivious to it all would wonder WTF! We would “get into it” and then not speak for weeks, yeah weeks of only being cordial as could be without really being happy in each other. It was then when I saw my life of unhappiness engulfing me like flames, killing my spirit and soul that I screamed inside ENOUGH!!!!!! I wrote my hubby a letter pointing out what I saw and just asked him to please open his eyes to his father deceitfulness. It took a while but not really as long as I thought. He soon thought like me and our need to get our own place has become our biggest goal. Why don’t we move now? Easy answer… the economy, credit card bills, ect, ect, ect. The point is that we are one again and have overcome the biggest problem that most can’t seem to find first, we SAW the cycle.

Seeing the cycle is harder than trying to break it. We have a financial plan and are very positive that in the next 2-3 yrs we will be able to get into a place of our own! So how do we handle the oppressive, controlling, and emotional abuse along with the depressive manipulation… easy, we ignore it. You control your thoughts, no one else. If someone says to me, “you can’t clean anything, all you do is sit at your computer all day, what a waste of a life, you’re so lazy and I’m sick of all the stuff you never do, I do everything and your life and opinions are stupid!” Okay most of that is pretty much a lot of what I hear and have heard but hears what I think about it all now… I can’t clean because without me cleaning I know for a fact that this house would not be clean. I do sit at my computer most of the day and sometimes most of the night but I don’t watch tv as he does, really what’s the difference in the screen? NO ONE’S LIFE IS A WASTE! YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE!!! For me I matter to my boys and hubs, along with A LOT of family and friends, so not worried about that one either! What else…. I’m not lazy, I’m pretty much the main cleaner of this house as my mother just goes to work and comes home, she cooks supper M-Th as my FIL is home on Fri’s and will cook along with Sat and Sun, No I don’t cook, but I do everything else… my mother ONLY COOKS, she doesn’t even do their laundry, I do. Next…. Sick of what I don’t do, that list is relatively small as far as he is concerned but ya know what, I’m kinda sick of what I don’t do as well. I don’t go see my friends and family near enough, nor do I get to go shopping as much as I’d just love to do, there’s also that “bucket list” thing.  Because his life was terrible he can’t stand for his children or grandchildren to have it so well, he feels deep down in his soul it is simply just NOT FAIR *kicks and stomps* that he didn’t have a great and happy life!!!! WOW when you really put it into perspective like that, he’s just a child throwing a tantrum saying untruths. So no it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Oh I have my days but they are very far and few between now and with my wonderful loving and supportive husband to lean on I’ll be just fine and we’ll be really great in a few years happy and loving in our own home 😀

See the cycle so you can break it! Love and Light!

Its All In Your Mind

Ever heard that before? I have, tons of times. I had to go to the doctor yesterday morning. I’ve had a cold that’s lasted well over a month. Now the last time I went to the doc for “cold” like symptoms she told me that it was “all in my mind” and it was anxiety issues so you can well imagine my stubbornness of not wanting to go when I have no insurance and we just don’t have the money right now. So as the week has progressed my hubby has been more and more concerned with my heath and reluctantly I scheduled an appointment. I don’t like driving. I don’t like going anywhere alone. I don’t like doctor’s, but I don’t like not being able to breathe or being sick either. Kinda a catch 22 I guess, only with my own mind.

I started out gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white. I was watching the road so closely thinking “dear God please don’t let me wreck” then it hit me. I’m afraid, afraid of living because when you start living you get closer to dying. I’m not so much afraid of dying per say as in the afterlife but the leaving everyone and then also everyone leaving me. I started talking to God about all my fears and then my dreams and my perspective changes slowly over the course of the drive.  So then here I was on my way to the doc’s cruising the beautiful countryside thinking of all the last few weeks having a great conversation with God. Totally peaceful I tell ya. Next time your alone try just a one on one with God, just like he’s a regular Joe. The landscape was breathtaking, such a wonderful day for January in my neck of the woods and without a kiddo in tow (thanks to Papa) I was really at peace to just think about all the why’s and how come’s and whether too’s or what not’s. What I started thinking is that it is all in my mind. I used to be an insurance salesman and go to meetings. Worked everyday, went on trips, to the store all by myself. I started wondering what the heck happened? What made me so paranoid over time? What made me so paranoid with my life to the point of even creating all the drama that surrounds me constantly.

Life happened, and how I took it in. That’s what happened. Life doesn’t come with a handbook. Your raised a certain way of right and wrong and then you go out on your own all the while hoping and praying with fingers and toes crossed you’re doing the right thing. You double your worry and anxiety with each child you have. Your not then just thinking of you but them as well. Now factor in a marriage, all the extra family, along with all the wonderful hormones that us women get to roller coaster life with and stir that all up in a big boiling pot and your liable to get an explosion!

I’ve had a few explosions in my life and had the proverbial “2X4” of reality hit me in the head. I’ve been very grateful for it too. This last hit was hard, I almost lost it. Not just my self but I’m worried now for the damage I’ve caused, but then have I. You know when I took a that break from FB thinking it would be for 21 days it ended up just being less than 7. I really wanted to stay gone for the whole time but with some people it was the only way to communicate so what do you do? This time though I’m not going to check it all the time. I have the will power to NOT let it overcome me! Hide people you don’t want to see, or delete the ones you really don’t want to see you. So I was worried about what some of my family would say about what I said or did but you know what, no one said or did a thing in the whole almost week I was off FB. I haven’t talked to anyone but I would say that because they are true family its truly water under the bridge because every worry that I’ve worried about has just been created by me. truly “Its all in my mind”.

Do me a favor, don’t be too hard on yourself. In the words of my most beloved Grams, God rest her soul, “shit happens and you go on”

Love and Light

My 21 Day Fast

I came  across this fasting idea while reading the christian bible. I have this handy little app on my phone called YouVersion. It’s a bible app and has a ton of different translations along with a variety of studies and devotions. I found this one “the 21 day fast” a couple of months ago and blew it off. Honestly the first thing that came to me to “fast” was Facebook. Ugh, I totally didn’t want to do that! I LOVE FB, but the thing is I am seriously addicted. To the point that checking FB was the first thing I thought of in the morning, the first thing I did. I was on everyday and checking it all day, not listening to my kids while we played or read, half aware of the movie I was watching with my hubby because I was too busy checking my FB, having to check in and post what we all did and take pics of everything so that I could post it. It got to the point that my family doesn’t want me taking pictures anymore, and if I do they say “please don’t put that on FB”. I remember seeing a friend at the school on some family fun night and actually told me, “oh how nice to see you NOT on FB”. I know it was in good fun but my kids also have told me that when I die they will hook my coffin up with DSL so I can still FB in heaven. At the time it was funny, and to some of you it still maybe. I can’t laugh now but I’m hoping that I will in time. See I’m really addicted, like a crack addict. That would be why I refer to FB as “crackbook”, LOL. That I will laugh at because it’s totally freakin true! I’ve deleted and deleted my account SO many times just to be back in a couple of days. I think the longest I went was 3 days and that was really pushing it.

So I found this devotion “The 21 Day Fast” and like I said back a couple of months ago I laughed it off and with no more than a second thought didn’t think I had a “real” problem. Then the drama and lies and horrible things being said started happening. My christmas got ruined and family split apart, some of it unfortunately my fault. Why? When you go to FB what do you read? People’s thoughts for the moment. So if you’re a FB junkie such as myself you many post 20 plus times a day and you air ALL your dirty laundry. Why? Well I’m a bored housewife, maybe I just want to see who’s actually reading, or maybe I want the person that I’m pissed at to read it and see that everyone is reading it too? None of this sank in until the last straw happened. When that happened I just fell apart. I posted apologies on my person page and in a private group I had. I hoped and have prayed that I didn’t cause much damage with my part of it all. I haven’t been on in 2 full days and it has been very hard.

I actually dreamt last night of being on and seeing what everyone wrote about my apologies. Maybe no ones responded. I have thrown myself into my crafts, my kids and actually have got down with them and played and paid full attention, I have enjoyed a movie from start to finish without my phone in hand, I have started some new projects and have also thrown myself into cleaning.

How I did it was I just decided after the apologies I needed a total break, hopefully not for forever but who knows. I love being able to stay in touch with some but like I said before I have to think of my sanity. I removed my apps on my phone, all the shortcuts and don’t even care my phone with me everywhere. I have removed all the shortcuts on my Google bar across the top of my screen and only get my computer as needed, I’m pretty lucky that it’s not needed that much. I didn’t tell everyone and didn’t post anything. I just did it. I think that’s how you have to do it really. I’ve tried telling people and it always would backfire, you know, because something cool or interesting happened and you just have to post!

I’m sick of it running my life, I’m sick of the addiction, I’m sick of not having a life outside of FB and all the drama that it can cause. Now I’m not saying that it can be great, because I know all the good its done and I hope I can go back after I’m out of my fast but I don’t know if I can or If I will want to. Does an obese person want to go back to eating at their old fave fast food dive after shedding 500 pounds? Does a 3 pack a day smoker take up the occasional cigarette just for the hell of it after quitting? I’m not saying that FB is a horrid “crack” addiction to all, what I’m saying is that it became that for me and this is me trying to get clean of it for the good of my life.

So all I can say is day 2 down! Whoo Hoo for me! Pray tomorrow is easier. Light and Love.

Life Is So Hard, Its Sometimes Too Much

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“Feeling broken. Barely holding on. But  there’s just something so strong. Somewhere  inside me, And I am down but  I’ll get up again. Don’t count  me out just yet I’ve been  brought down to my knees. And I’ve  been pushed way past the point of breaking. But  I can take it, I’ll be back. Back on my feet. This is far from over. You  haven’t seen the last of me….. This is not the end. I’m down now, But  i’ll be standing tall again. Times are hard but I was built  tough. I’m gonna show you all what  I’m made of. …..You haven’t seen the last of  me.” ~ Cher, Burlesque

You know what I did today? Didn’t go to Facebook, that’s for damn sure. I have built my life the past two years around FB and have a horrid addiction to it. I would delete then go back again and again. I think it’s truly great for those trying to keep in touch and I have stayed in touch with some family that I might not be able to other wise. I’ve met some very wonderful friends that I never would have met before. I am blessed for the connection. But It also has a down side. It has a very ugly side, one that I have unfortunately been blinded by. I can’t see how I let myself be blinded like this or manipulated! At my age too, UGH you really think I’d know better. I blame myself 100% for it all. I have either destroyed or tried to destroy the ones that truly love me  and why? Because of stupid childish crap. That’s right, I reverted to high school. Oh I feel wretched! I had blogged about how my family drama issues have issues, I have blogged about this past Christmas and how trying that was on my poor emotions. unfortunately the one thing I fail to take into account in all of it is the fact that I was most of the problem to begin with.

My husband, brave soul that he is, took me aside yesterday and had a heart to heart. We’re a bit like Allie and Noah from the Notebook, and when Noah tells Allie “You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.” That’s totally us. He’s not afraid to hurt my feelings and I do have a 2 second rebound rate. So I listened. And it wasn’t pretty, and it hurt just like the truth always does.

I drive people away, people don’t go away just because. I get close to one or two then get so involved in their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions and lives that I almost become them and in taking on their side of whoever they are against, even if its family I love so dear. If I hear an ill thing from the one person that another said or did something against them or thought of doing something to me then I just jump on that bandwagon so very fast that it would make your head spin!

Is it because I’m a bord housewife? Is it because I don’t have adult conversation regularly? I have quit watching soap opera’s but in place of that particular drama I’ve created my own. I never saw it that way and like I said have posted “I’m taking a break”, or “I need a time out”. This time though, the drama hit to close to my heart and its nearly been broke in two. I’m not going to get into detail because that’s just all part of the drama that people thrive on. I even went through all my blogs on here and deleted all the ones that talked about people. It’s all too negative and not something I ever should have done.

What happened is I never got both sides of the story. I listened to one person and confirmed it not with the people who said the things but with others that went along with the original person saying the untruths. The thing is I trumped-up things in my mind and added to the stories without realizing it in my dramatic way I do things and have just helped the rumors and lies.

I have to take a final break from Facebook and all the drama. I’m not saying to anyone on my page that I’m taking a break either, I’m not telling anyone I am, I’m just going to walk away from it all. I want to be able to go back to it but at the cost of my family’s love and my own sanity? I don’t think its worth that. Until I can wake up and NOT think of FB and what everyone in the world is doing then I’m not going to get on it. I have to do this for myself, for the future of my family… that is if I haven’t totally F*#!ed things up.

So now I just sit back and wait. Pour myself into my kids, hubby, family that I have here, my crafts, my books and anything else that will keep me busy just so I won’t think about FB or the drama that’s I’ve helped along the way to destruction. I have to work on me, I have to work on the guilt of it all and learn to forgive myself along with hoping and praying that everyone involved forgives me as well.

Love and Light

 

Relfections Of The Old While Embracing The New

Its the last day of the year and with this day for me always comes a quite time for reflection. On the past year, the mistakes and what ifs along with the wonderful achievements and hoo rahs. So all this year I’ve let out a lot of grief and drama. I got out some of my old journals from just the past two years and have seen the exact same entries month after month, year after year like some rancid repetitive cycle of delusional reality I created for myself. Most days were so filled with negativity even though I could see I did put a little positivity to compensate, but where was all the neat and wonderful things my kids have done? All the neat and cute phrases they said? Not there, sadly, what was there was a sentence or two crammed between a plethora of negative nagging emotion.

In reading some of it, and burning all of it! I’m saying good-bye to a me that I should have a long time ago. I’m going to start the new year by being a more positive and gracious me. A very wonderful lady that I’ve recently met has shown me the path to gratitude and it looks so inviting 😀 Thank you mate for your words of encouragement and sharing your life with the world.

Out with the old and in with the new and a smile on my face that symbolizes the hope and faith of a better tomorrow!

Love and Light