We all get into those ruts. You go to work, you come home, you go to work, you come home. You go to work the same way everyday, you come home the same way everyday. You park in the same space at the same store you always go to. You watch the same shows and eat the same foods everyday. Nothing changes, but life is simple and you like that. Okay but what about the emotional ruts? We all get into the physical ruts and you see ton’s of self-help stuff everywhere. Drive a different way to work, listen to a different radio station, go out to eat at someplace new, or start a new hobby. That’s great, change it up a bit! What about the emotional ruts?
Theres that question again. I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 9 yrs, we’ve been together for about 10 (give or take) but I’ve known him for over 20 yrs. We’ve been through a lot and we still live with the parents. His father and my mother (back history, I married my step-brother, I have blogged about it before). I never noticed a problem until our second (my third) child came along. I got post partum real bad and was ready to walk out the door. So I went and got a job, I only worked for 6 months but it really helped and was enough to fix things. Or so I thought. I won’t get into the exact things we heard on a daily basis but at my husbands and I most breaking point, the point that we were ready to end our marriage we took a time out, a step back and just looked at all the perspectives. A huge eye-opener was what we got!
We were oblivious to the emotional cycles that were constantly moving around us and enveloping us that it took the breaking point that we didn’t want to happen to make us really see it! Living with others is the most difficult thing to do. We are constantly second guessed and overthrown as parents, at times we are even reprimanded and are mostly put on the same level as our own children. If you have your own place you’re a huge step ahead of me, what I wouldn’t do to have my own place! sharing with your parents and not getting the proper respect as a parent or adult yourself can and is very debilitating. I have anxiety and depression issues continually.
First you have to stop talking to everyone. This is a hard one for me because I’m a talker. I was raised to be a “chatty cathy” and to just gossip like crazy about everyone. As a teen I learned to get ahead of others was to “down” their every move with authority figures in my life. Second you have to change your way of thinking. If someone is “pumping” you for info pay attention to their words. Only answer direct questions! Think about your answer too, there are ways around it without lying or misleading. Don’t start a conversation with the “users and abusers”. Third you have to turn the negativity into positivity! I know your thinking “sounds hard” guess what? It is! Hardest thing I do everyday. I think I’d rather go through all my back problems again than to try to rethink my thoughts! UGH! But your hard work will pay off, I promise! In my case, in living with our parents, here’s our cycle as an example.
My step-father/father in law is an emotional abuser who was very heavily physically and emotional abused as a small child and well into adulthood. He broke the physical part but is extremely abusive mentally. If you’ve ever read anything about the subject you know it’s harder to heal from emotional abuse. Its taken me years to over come some of it, and other parts of it I still have a very huge problem with, to the point that at times I even feel my own husband is against me. My mother is very heavily depressed, I believe her to have bi-polar with manic/depression, only because of my brother who is the same and all the info I’ve read. My mother also suffered some brain damage as a small child from a very high fever and because of that caused her to only “grow” mentally to a certain age. Since I’m now 36 yrs old, I believe her age mentally to be about 15 yrs old, as she mostly acts like my teenage boy. These two parents have never seen a problem with their behavior because they think its normal, it’s all they know. FIL (father in law) grew up with a father that was in and out of jail, that being said his mother (whom herself has been reviled to have been emotionally abusive) remarried and he was very physically abusive. FIL, grew up not knowing love, compassion or nurturing. My mother grew up knowing those things and seemed to raise us relatively well considering but as we passed her mentally she became more frustrated and depressed.
So we fast forward to the present cycle because in looking back I’ve found quite a few but the main one I want to relay is one that I know I’m not alone in going through and Its with this message I wish to help anyone else that is going through the same.
My husband and I will be happy as newlyweds. His father will down me, saying tons of things that aren’t true about me as a person, mother, and wife. When this doesnt’ work to put me in a bad and horrid mood, he starts to down my husband as a man, father and husband. When this doesn’t work to put me in a bad and horrid mood it causes wave after wave of untruths and lies to be piled upon me to get me to break. My husband, who is at work, will not hear any of it unless I tell him and at the beginning I would tell him and he wouldn’t believe me. Why? Because he couldn’t believe that his own dad would be trying to sabotage his marriage and happiness. Its true though, we’ve been tracking his behavior patterns. At first after an episode of this behavior I would scream and yell at my hubby, who being oblivious to it all would wonder WTF! We would “get into it” and then not speak for weeks, yeah weeks of only being cordial as could be without really being happy in each other. It was then when I saw my life of unhappiness engulfing me like flames, killing my spirit and soul that I screamed inside ENOUGH!!!!!! I wrote my hubby a letter pointing out what I saw and just asked him to please open his eyes to his father deceitfulness. It took a while but not really as long as I thought. He soon thought like me and our need to get our own place has become our biggest goal. Why don’t we move now? Easy answer… the economy, credit card bills, ect, ect, ect. The point is that we are one again and have overcome the biggest problem that most can’t seem to find first, we SAW the cycle.
Seeing the cycle is harder than trying to break it. We have a financial plan and are very positive that in the next 2-3 yrs we will be able to get into a place of our own! So how do we handle the oppressive, controlling, and emotional abuse along with the depressive manipulation… easy, we ignore it. You control your thoughts, no one else. If someone says to me, “you can’t clean anything, all you do is sit at your computer all day, what a waste of a life, you’re so lazy and I’m sick of all the stuff you never do, I do everything and your life and opinions are stupid!” Okay most of that is pretty much a lot of what I hear and have heard but hears what I think about it all now… I can’t clean because without me cleaning I know for a fact that this house would not be clean. I do sit at my computer most of the day and sometimes most of the night but I don’t watch tv as he does, really what’s the difference in the screen? NO ONE’S LIFE IS A WASTE! YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE!!! For me I matter to my boys and hubs, along with A LOT of family and friends, so not worried about that one either! What else…. I’m not lazy, I’m pretty much the main cleaner of this house as my mother just goes to work and comes home, she cooks supper M-Th as my FIL is home on Fri’s and will cook along with Sat and Sun, No I don’t cook, but I do everything else… my mother ONLY COOKS, she doesn’t even do their laundry, I do. Next…. Sick of what I don’t do, that list is relatively small as far as he is concerned but ya know what, I’m kinda sick of what I don’t do as well. I don’t go see my friends and family near enough, nor do I get to go shopping as much as I’d just love to do, there’s also that “bucket list” thing. Because his life was terrible he can’t stand for his children or grandchildren to have it so well, he feels deep down in his soul it is simply just NOT FAIR *kicks and stomps* that he didn’t have a great and happy life!!!! WOW when you really put it into perspective like that, he’s just a child throwing a tantrum saying untruths. So no it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Oh I have my days but they are very far and few between now and with my wonderful loving and supportive husband to lean on I’ll be just fine and we’ll be really great in a few years happy and loving in our own home 😀
See the cycle so you can break it! Love and Light!