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Archive for December, 2011

I’m Not Wishy/Washy, I Just Haven Found My Groove Yet

If you read alot of my blogs and then on my FB page my album of “My Two Cents” you’ll see a vast array of mixed emotions when it comes to religion and spirituality. I used to be told I’m on the fence or “wishy/washy” but lately I don’t feel that way. See I grew up baptist and then went out in search of my own path. I tried buddist, catholic, taoist, pagan, wiccan, then settling on native american. I then even after “settling” went back again to the christian religion of  baptist. It was in the embracing of the whole going to church tradition and hearing some of my friends with the strong “conviction” is what they call it that christianity is IT, that’s it, no questions, no substitutions or anything! I searched my soul and didn’t find that. I’m just different is all. I can’t except that THAT’s IT. I know theres more to the story. Oh I’m okay with God keepin it all to himself now, I used to not be. But I believe that all the religions are connected somehow together like puzzle pieces and if we would all just except that will an open mind we might see the true story of it all.

I raise my boys with the christain bible stories for I believe in them and in Jesus. I completely believe he was the son of God, but I also believe that Hercules was the son of God too. I’m thinking that we may all take Greek mythology for granted. I mean its not like they had tv or radio to turn their imagination up. Not everyone smoked the peace pipe back then so how did they come up with such rockin stories that are as far fetched as the biblical ones yet were not supposted to believe that they were true?

So as I search still for the answers I hold onto my roots which lie in christianity but also native american. I can’t see killing or shunning another just for thier beliefs and I won’t be around people that will do so to me or my children.

What’s the right path? Each one of you say “Its Mine!” But how do you know? Its because you have faith so deep in your faith that you know it as truth. That’s okay for you but what about your neighbor who feels the same as you so deeply that just believes differently? Then who is right? We don’t know and its not up for us to decide for another.

My Soul Torn Apart

I thought of all the vile things I could say in anger, then I realized I wasn’t angry. I searched my heart, I searched my soul… this is what I came up with:

                      When they called you names, my feelings no more were the same.

When they made fun of your kids, I thought of mine and wished them a farewell bid.

When they wouldn’t accept you, a silent exit was my cue.

I had your back and was on your side, All through their rudeness and lies.

When adopted babies and friends were brought before me I grinned, For all babies are a gift from God above.

Angels from Heaven sent to us as a hug!

I chose to love one babe that fights so hard to be, “honored are we” is what’s key.

Not who is Mama, Daddy, Uncle or Auntie but disownment is the price and fee of my love.

Over the years you’ve searched for acceptace from us all, pushing us away though with a kick and a haul.

I’ve bent over backwards to tend to your heart, all awhile you’ve trampled and torn mine apart.

Still I let you back again and again, however as time goes by I’m done giving in.

Finally we come to the one that started it all, The one that’s supposed to be there through all the “boo-boo’s” and “falls”.

To grow up unloved and shunned was your fate, unfortunately passing it on was a choice you’ve made of late.

Religious strictness and order is your families facade of a game, one that I tried to play but failed to feel the same.

I have so much love for you all much much more than you think.

See I’ve sacrificed my soul almost to the brink.

So now we’re all apart, all my loves it seems scattered on the breeze.

Only time will tell what will happen on the marrow,

so untill then my loves I’ll see you soon then in my dreams.

Love and Light, your Sister and your Daughter

My New Years Resolution

As it nears the new year my expectations are high for organization and finally finding my groove! having kids is like experiencing natural disasters everyday. Sometimes it hits your house and is total destruction than other times it passes over  mildly with just a bit of rain.

I use to work outside the home, that was with my first son. as we live on the farm with our parents to help out then i have the luxury to be able to stay home. I’ve had two more boys and the youngest being the biggest handful I’ve thrown my hands up in frustration and dispar so many times.

Well my youngest starts school next fall and with the new year starting I have hope for getting my butt in gear. I have put together a notebook to help me all along the way and would like to thank two websites that have helped me tremendously with this: motivatedmoms.com and organizedhome.com both these sites are defiantly worth your time and effort!

I have a huge addiction to Facebook and lets face it these days who doesn’t, right. I’ve hears so much hoopla over the last few years of how bad it is but what about all the good it does too? No one it seems ever looks at the upside anymore. But I’m Pos in the Neg so I really can’t look at it from any other way.

Here’s the Pos in the Neg of it all: Make your addiction work for you not the other way around!

God Dwells Within Me As Me

A line from what has become my favorite movie this year by far. Eat,Love,Pray  with Julia Roberts from the book with the same title written by Elizabeth Gilbert. She has somewhat become such an inspiration to me. Her story of finding God and herself in a way that some of us can only dream possible. So my one big vice is trying to “find my niche” with God, whatever you call IT. I have a head cold right now and when I’m sick I can not help but think back to my childhood of years ago when all I was ever told was that when I was sick I obviously had done something wrong in the eyes of the Lord and he was “punishing me”. Its something that creeps back every once in a while unfortunately. So then I freak out for a bit and wonder “is it because I’m not in church?” “is it because I’m not living right?” “is it because I thought a certain way?”???? Then a calm comes over me now and a very huge NO NO NO! It has nothing at all to do with any of that! I’m human and we get sick every now and then, plain and simple. This is the exact way of thinking and brow beating that I will not let my boys fall under.

I remember a fun-loving and very caring father, one I miss but for the so-called one sin according to him I choose to not give up. That would be my thoughts. I believe God is not just God the father, but also God the mother, and Our Creator, Great Spirit, the list really can go on. I believe not in just one doctrine alone but that they all are connected internally as puzzle pieces one with the other forming a total spiritual experience if you just let it. As I grew up and my mind and soul wandered my father became more and more distant and almost grieved and tormented by my thoughts and idea’s. He did push me away with his actions and words. For what? For a differnce in opinion maybe?

My two cents is this: God dwells within me as me. God isn’t this evil iron fisted tyrant that’s just chomping at the bit waiting on his perch for you to mess up just once so he can rein hellfire and brimstone down on you with 40 plagues. That’s obviously my father and most of his family that have the corner of that market. I’m not going to beat myself up anymore and so here’s the Pos in the Neg, When your sick its your body’s way of saying “hey I need a timeout” and so you take a few days to chillax and veg in front of the tv or my case the computer. Then you go on.