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I’ve had the privelige of helping with crafts for our childrens ministry at church the last couple months. October was here and it was all spiderwebs and cornicopias. November came and went with turkeys and leaves. December! Finally, my favorite month to craft!!!! Christmas has soooo many possiblies all the way from Santa to Jesus the spectrum is wide, snowflakes and reigndeer, decorated trees and candycanes, wisemen and the beautiful story of the birth of our Savior!

Before me was a lady that as a mom of 4 that homeschools was needing a break from it all. As a mom of 3, even with my boys in school, I too at times need a break! I had tried reaching out to her in my somewhat at times overpowering positivity and she would full body shutter, spout a negative comment and flee in the opposite direction.

Last sunday night I had found the craft of the “countdown rings” 1467358_3782594619692_831228002_n

I was so excited with the kids as we made our strips to countdown to when Santa would bring us presents! Then that mother came over and was upset. She said to her daughter “what a waste for us, its useless”. I was hurt and upset. Then the more I thought about it I got mad and defensive! I came home and my hubby noticed my mood, in asking me what’s wrong he had unleashed all my fury on the issue. He then said what he always does “calm down, breathe, and pray” Okay I told myself. There had to be a reason, maybe she’d had a bad day or something?

In getting ahold of a friend I found out they don’t participate in secular Christmas. Meaning no tree, no Santa, no presents. WHAT?! Crazy was my first thought, I mean how could you be Baptist and NOT celebrate Christmas in its entirty? I went to bed praying for God to grant me understanding and to open my heart.

My bible study the next morning held the answer to my prayers! In Romans 14 Paul tells us “1 Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4 Who are you to judge….10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? 13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.”

WOW! So I thought about that and then said “okay God, I get it”. I went to Pintrest, my newest obsession as a crafter, and found all the Jesus ONLY crafts for the class! I thought or rather God reviled to me that her conviction was to not support the world but only the Savior, who was I to try to make her stumble?

Wednesday night I was able to take her to the side. I told here that she had upset me in her rudeness but that I was thankful for it. She laughed! She explained that Christmas is a holy day to celebrate and remember our Savior, the one who died for our sins and remember Him only! She reashured me that her children do NOT want for anything. They have plenty and when I thought about it we all do. I so do not look forward to Christmas for the sole reason of rearranging my boys mass amount of toys for new ones, and honestly half of them stay in boxes till after the new year! The pressure of just who to buy for or not buy for, gone! Wish I could do this one myself really. Though at this stage in the game of life I’m not sure the rest of my family would go for it.

I thought “JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!” and these kids are all going to get enough Santa and world views, here I have the oppritunity, no the resposbility to pass on to these kids the REAL meaning of the holidays. By the way she told me they kept the countdown chains and wrote family members names on each one for every night they would pray special prayers for that person.

A baby was born! An innocent beautiful baby of loving parents that grew and loved and was loved. As a man he lead thousands, Savation from certain death by just believing in HIM! He was cruely punished for every deed we have done and still will do wrong (He was…. so we won’t be). He was born, He died but rose again, He will be back but for now we must remember, we must celebrate, we must pass on the story of salvation.

We hugged and laughed this mom and I, we both apoligised for our ill temper and said thank you for the learning in it all.

Just as our sins are all different so too are our convictions. Do not judge another by their sin, but also do not judge another by their conviction. If I choose to do something or to not do something because of my loyality to my Lord then who of you can say its is true or not? My conviction is not yours, my relationship with my Heavenly Father is my own as yours is your own.

I ran across a verse today in my bible study.

2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

It made me think of different situations around me. I have a brother who because of a heavy drug addiction let his life go and now suffers greatly for it. He is now on disability and has several health issues. I know a lady who thrives on her being ill along with her children, as I read about it constantly, yet none are really that sick. I myself have “played victim” in a vast world of “look at me’s” that surround and consume us, drowning the OK ones out for good.

I think we want the darkness, we want bad stuff to happen. Not too bad of course because then it gets serious but we want the compassion, attention, empathy from others that playing the victim gets us. I used this all too often for my own advantage, even within my family. Having “mental” parents is a blessing to someone whose trying to manipulate the situation to then be all about them.

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I know it sounds horrid, but true. And truth is where I wanted to go. I didn’t want to thrive in the darkness anymore, I wanted to go into the light! The day I gave my life over to Christ a whole new light open up to me. I still struggle, living with a bi-polar mom and emotional abusive/high anxiety step-dad along with my hubby and kids believe me I have my days. BUT…. God sees me through it all!

I don’t play victim anymore. If either of them have an episode then I pray, I go visit a friend, I read, I craft, I… the thing is I step away from the situation. I can’t change them, they have to change themselves. I can’t change where I am, but I can change who I am.

They aren’t angry or hurt or upset with me, they are angry and hurt and upset because of the past they continue to hang on too and lashing out at a happy person set on peace with God is the best way to deal. I know this because I did it too. So like the ones I hurt in the past with my outlash of jealousy stings I smile and pray for them. God changed my heart, I thought an extremely impossible feat. So I know he can change theirs.

Psalm 4:1 “Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress: have mercy on me and hear my prayer.”

For now I choose to stay in the dark, sacrificing for Christ. The light surrounds me though so as I stumble I’m able to find my way up again. I won’t complain though, I will thank God for giving me the chance to do this for His Glory.

I can’t see God’s plan and I’m glad. I’d want to make a million and one changes and then end up ruining the whole thing. I have to let my walls down and give in to trust. A big step for me, yet for God, I fall back blindlessly knowing He’ll catch me every time.

Romans 12:10 “be devoted to one another in love. honor one another above yourselves.”

I ask my self all the time..”what’s truely normal?” Somedays I feel great, on top of the world and in control. Other days worry, anxiety, and fear creep in.

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I joined the church and told myself this was normal, normal people get up and go and are a part of the community. I joined the PTO and told myself this was normal, normal Mama’s join and go and are a part of the community. I smile and am pleasant to fellow Mama’s and Daddy’s that live their lives, normal as I see it, and I pretend to be normal. I can hear some of you scoffing “we’re not so normal” or did you give the eye roll?

Let me tell you what’s normal for me then you let me know if your normal is the same or different.

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I live with my bipolar/depressed mother and high anxiety/depressed step-father who at times do to his very troubled and highly abusive life is a tad emotionally abusive to us. Over the years I’ve fought being here, I’ve left only to come back over a handful of times only to finally marry my step brother and end up staying for the last 11 yrs. I’ve prayed and prayed, asked God “why am I here?” Wanting to leave and have my own place so very bad and get away from the crazy!!!! BUT…what if this is where I’m to be? One day I woke up and wondered “what if I could be there saving grace?” Then I changed my prayers. Living here is hard work, emotionally most days. I’m not giving up though!

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Some people over the years have said “why do you stay?” How can you live in a home that’s not yours? How can you continue to live “under” the thumb of your parents? How can you continue to oblige them with their idiosyncrasies and sacrifice soooooo much of your own life? How are you even happy?

I’m happy now. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back. I have some extra’s like internet and stitching supplies, some books and crafting things. My boys are very spoiled and I have a very loving husband. I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom yet have a few health issues not any too bad.

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I used to hate it here. I would complain endlessly to anyone that would listen. Once I quit trying to be someone I’m not it helped alot. I’ve read Jesus tells us to help the poor and sick, I think that also means the poor and sick in spirit. I feel God put me here for a reason, His reason and that’s finally good enough for me. I know for some don’t understand, its not for you to understand. See I don’t quite understand it all either, but I have faith and that faith is more powerful than all the understanding in the world.

I was such a daddy’s girl when I was little. I think most little girls are. He was in the military and we moved around. Mama was a stay at home mama. Our lives were pretty good. Then at 14 yrs old it all got flipped upside down. Daddy had been having an affair and was leaving Mama. They got divorced and he moved away. It was states away as we moved closer to Mama’s family and he went where the military told him to go.

One year after he had been gone my brothers and I decided to go live with him. I know now as a Mama myself going through the same thing just what my own Mama went through. Yet just a bit because as I can see my son every other weekend or so and he only lives about 30 mins away all three of my Mama’s kids took off and moved states away for a little over a year. In that year we saw that our “daddy” was becoming someone else’s daddy and not as close to us as he once was. I was ready for my Mama and so were my brothers. Although we loved and still love our baby Sis we needed our Mama, Daddy was just different with his new family.

I never moved back with him. He is now on his 7th marriage and while he’s been in and out of my life the most conflicted riff was when my oldest was 5 yrs old and I was engaged to my husband. My father didn’t approve, I married my step-brother (we were not raised together and are not blood) we had become the best of friends that lead down the path of marriage. My father called my work to tell me how horrific this abomination was. How against God I went in my actions. That the innocent blood of my son would be on my hands at judgement. He said I was no daughter of his, whoring around like this. Then he called my boss at his person home to tell him how ill moral my character was and that he should let me go. Thank the Lord I had a pretty terrific boss that was a very good friend and didn’t pay one ounce of attention to my father.

I told my son that his Grandpa had said some bad stuff to me and made me cry. That you shouldn’t treat people like that and that we wouldn’t have anything to do with him again. He cried but he understood and was angry that his Mama had been hurt.

10 yrs went by and my baby Sis was in contact with our father. She would give him pics of my oldest and my two other boys and tell him all about my life. I didn’t mind and had even seen him in the store once in a while. Time had passed and healed my wounds. I actually missed my daddy. I wanted to give him another chance! I wanted to have him in my life! Have him meet his new grandsons! I talked to my hubby and he was hesitant. After that last blow up and our tremulous life anyway he was afraid it would end badly again. I told him we’d take it slow and not let our boys get too attached.

It was mother’s day and I was ready. I had spoken on the phone with him several times. I had written him a letter laying down the rules this time of our problems of before. I explained that if things EVER started down that road again it would be the last and there would be no other chances again. I wouldn’t have my boys hurt like he’d hurt me. He apologized, which in itself was an extreme rarity, so I accepted.

We had a great summer, not doing near as much with him as my little brother and his family though. Christmas was amazing and listening to my daddy tell the Christmas story to my boys as he did me when I was little was such a blessing. Spring was on the way and the boys were wondering after our long hibernation of winter just what fun stuff we’d do with Grandpa!

Then he met her….

His now wife, #7, came as a shock to us. He wasn’t looking to get with anyone and we were all so fresh really at getting along finally. All four kids with our father! It had been a very long time in the making and now someone new came along. I remembered the history of his relationships and when he gets with one, especially if they have money, he changes. I told my hubby that we would back off and not attend as much stuff, because I knew something bad would come again.

One year after they had been married I planned a birthday party for my oldest. As times are tight financially I sent an invite to my father’s side of the family for us to just go out to eat, for them to bring a card with whatever they could inside it, no pressure! 4 hrs before we were to go to the party my father called me saying that he’d called everyone and that they weren’t able to attend that he and his wife too had something business like come up and that we should just postpone it. I was devastated but understood that it all begins now. I knew it was coming. I had found out months later that the rest of the family was available, that it was my father that called all them to say I needed to cancel it for some reason. Why would he do such a thing?

A month later my step-mom txt me all frantic asking me what was wrong and where was I at! I wondered what was going on and did I forget something that had been planned? She replied that they hadn’t heard from me and wondered why? See I was the one always txting and calling them and so after the birthday thing I quit to see just when they’d reciprocate. I told her everything was fine and I was busy. She went on about how we needed to get together that they had my oldest boys birthday presents. I reminded her that we’d agreed on cards and that I had a party planned that they had canceled it. I explained that as this son was older he’d understand but that my two little ones would not. That a child needs to be remembered in the month of their birth not a month or so later. She was offened calling me rude and selfish. I quit responding. Then my father tryed calling. I let it go to voice mail. He exploded at me on the phone. Saying that I’d upset his wife and that when I could humbly apologize I could call back but until then in a sarcastic voice “have a nice day!”.

My hubby was pissed. I was hurt and thought “here we go again”. I wrote him a letter telling him why it was for sure over this time, recalling the past and our make up and then now this unfortunate event. I told him that while I still love him I will not have this around my boys! I did nor said nothing wrong! I was stating a rule as a parent that our children would be honored in their month of birth. I don’t think any real grandparent would have a problem with that.

After he received the letter, I received a LOT of mean txt from his wife. So much so that I changed my number. It was throwing me back into a dark place, that depressive state I’d worked so hard to get out of! That was spring and summer of last year. At christmas my hubby and I were in shock when my aunt, fathers sister, called and told me that these two had dropped off presents for our little ones. My hubby was hesitant. I went and picked them up. See I’ve thought this whole time that he’d divorce her like he’s done always and go back to himself instead of this meanie that he plays to impress and keep her wealth. We told the boys who they came from and when asked just lied. I told them that their Grandpa and his wife, whom they’d been calling Grandma, were over the road truckers and had moved far away. That maybe we’d see him or them this summer. Then I emailed a thank you to them. After all that had been said I was thankful and grateful they’d remembered the kids.

The email I received back though was not nice at all. She basically threw up in my inbox. It was vile and full of anger, yelling at me for being a bad parent, going against God, working for the devil, telling me that I was holding HER grandchildren hostage and that WHEN my husband and I get our heads out of our rears and VERY HUMBLY CRAWL BACK AND APOLOGIZE then we’ll talk about “IF” we’ll ever get together again.

I didn’t cry, I didn’t get upset. I didn’t even tell my husband. I journaled about it and I did tell my Sis. This was the last straw. I wouldn’t ever have anything to do with my father again. I didn’t say or do anything wrong yet was being accused of so very much! I didn’t respond to the email. I kept a copy and then erased it. A month or so later, just a few weeks ago, my Sis sent a group txt pic of my adorable little niece. I didn’t get back to her until hours later and when a quick txt “adorable” another round of drama ensued.

I got a txt back from an unknown number “who is this?”. I ignored it scoffing it off as one of my Sister’s friends that didn’t know about group txting. The next night I got three calls from this number, which I ignored. The last call went to voice mail but they didn’t leave a message. I figured they realized they had a wrong number. Two nights later another txt of “who is this?” followed by three calls. This time they left a msg on the voice mail. A woman, whose voice kinda sounded distorted, said “I got a txt from this number and just don’t know what it’s about if you could call me back”. I thought SERIOUSLY! But then again, maybe some are just that clueless about group txting, it could happen. Okay so I called her back. Told her she must be friends with my baby sis that the “adorable” txt was a reply to the pic of my niece. That since we had that cleared up for her to have a good evening and we were done, please don’t call again. I then wondered and prayed that it wasn’t but couldn’t shake the feeling. I txted my Sis “whose number is this?”. Her reply was “our stepmom, why?”

Oh man! Why was what went through my mind. Why would she call and pretend that she didn’t know me and keep bugging me to find out “who this was” when she already knew? She started in on little Sis that night, causing a riff between dad and her. Not little Sis’s fault at all! She was blamed just as I had been. Then they went after one of my brothers. I blocked every number, email, FB and everything I could over that weekend. She sent me an email that it was I who was the liar to my boys and that they would find our the truth, sooner or later, blaming me for keeping them all apart.

My sister-in-law meet up with me at a school meeting and said that over the weekend my dad and stepmom had picked up my little brothers boys and spent the day on them! Out to eat, the circus, a toy store.. very much the works! His boys and my boys go to the same school and I knew then that I needed to tell my boys the truth, not details but the truth.

Last week one day after school I sat them down with their cookies and milk. I told them that my father, their grandfather was a mean man to me. He had made me cry and called me bad names. His wife, who was NOT their grandmother at all but just his wife at the moment was mean too. They had both called me and daddy bad names, told us that we were so bad that even God didn’t love us and that because they were mean to us we have decided to never let them see any of us again so that they will never be mean to you. My youngest didn’t care, he doesn’t really remember them but was pissed that they upset his Mama. My middle one cried but not because they would never be seen again, because they hurt his Mama and Daddy! I then told them that their cousins still had a relationship with them and they had been buying them stuff and taking them fun places. My boys still didn’t care. It’s just stuff and Jesus never called people bad names and God loves everyone even the ones that don’t love Him so how could they be so mean in saying that!

I blocked my fathers whole family from my life in all area’s. I just can’t have them be a part of our lives. They are too filled with drama, anger and sadness. Life in itself is hard enough without adding to it. There comes a time when, even if its your daddy, that you have to walk away forever just to save yourself the grief of it all.

I’m not all the way better as this is still so fresh, but one day at a time and with my loving hubby and wonderful boys I’m getting there.

If you’re a Mama or Daddy, or in any way raising kids then you can relate to the “morning rituals”. perhaps though you’re a very hard-working Mama or Daddy, Grandparent or Guardian and this is just not something you have time for.

I was 21 when my oldest was born. I was newly married and did what I thought I was supposed to do. We played, had snacks, watched cartoons and had nap time. When my oldest was 1 1/2 yrs old I found myself going through a divorce and as a single mom now needed a job. I found a great career job in the insurance industry and now was a single working mom. “morning rituals” were non-existent. I didn’t have time.

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When my oldest was 5 yrs old I found myself newly married this time to my best friend and as we were expecting our first, my second, he offered for me to quit working and be a stay at home mom. I’ve had my ups and downs with this role. I’ve had 3 babies all together when my oldest was 9 yrs, and the middle one 3 yrs we welcomed our last boy home.

Over the years with school and babies, depression and health problems I’ve tried my very best to be the best mom I could. When I look back to my first and see what I didn’t do it saddens me because I look now at my youngest and see what I’m still able to do. Time flies so fast you don’t realize till its gone.

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I never had “morning rituals” with my oldest. He now as a freshman in High School and 16 yrs old wishes to live with his dad. I have my two younger ones to think of and we have these “morning rituals”.

I wake earlier than them so I can get the milk warmed up for hot coco with marshmallows too. I go get their clothes and lay them out on the couch. Turn the tv on to their fav toon, Spongebob. Go nussle them awake and grab blankets for them to snuggle in so they can enjoy a cup of coco with toons before their day starts. I make their lunches making sure to cut the crust off. I gather all their things and ready them by the door. Help them with their coats and off we go!

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I could make them do it all themselves. Most do, I did with my first. I can’t help watching my babies grow so very fast though and think of how my teen doesn’t need me at all and wonder just how much longer I have with them as they need me for so much. I’m not going to look at it as another chore for me to do. I’m going to enjoy every moment and cherish it. One day all too soon they will be grown men and not need me for much. I think that’s when I’ll get a cat! For now though we will continue in our silly “morning rituals” and I will spoil them as much as possible!

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I wanted to blog about this because what it means to me is not really what the world or the church thinks. I have a brother that is Wiccan, I used to be too. We talk freely with each other without hatered or predgidice, we talk respectfully and honoring of each other’s wishes and beliefs.

We were both raised “christian” but the kind we were raise is the cold, uncaring, unloving, distant kind that most everyone hears about and knows. I wasn’t allowed to read or question the bible, I was to except it as truth and deal! As a teen I went away from the church and God. I didn’t want to be a part of anything that was so cruel and mean.

Time went on, life happened and Jesus found me in a very dark place. My soul was struggling to hang on. I was reaching out for something, anything! Hope and Faith slowly crept back into my life through the eyes of my children.

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I went to church off and on with my boys. However as I submersed myself into the folds of these “christians” who of some are very good people I couldn’t help but know that this was just not me. I am not a church goer. I could see myself slowly turning into one of these people that’s classified as “them”. That’s just not me! I’m not a “them” person. I love so many things that “they” don’t and I don’t see anything wrong with it. I was pretending to be someone else so I could be a “them” person and it was slowly taking me down again.

I quit going to church and then the phone calls started. “we miss you”, “what’s happened?” “did someone say something?” “are you all ill?”. The thing is in every other situation that I had rehearsed in my mind just what to say too. “yes, we’ll be back soon”, “oh just dealing with some sickness”, and so on and so on. One day though our pastor’s mom called, see she runs the ladies prayer meeting. In asking all the same questions and as I was ready for my made up come back I paused and replied with the truth.

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I don’t want to go anymore. My boys don’t want to go. I was forced to go as a child, wether I had a fever or was throwing up. I was raised that if you went against the church was to go against God. That if I didn’t go to church I’d go to hell. I won’t raise my boys like that. God is love, Jesus is kind, the Holy Spirit will fill you up if you ONLY just believe! Church is just a building, it is us that are the temple of the Lord.

She ended the call shortly after with a final plea of “please come back soon”. Will I? I don’t know. I’m a much better christian not going to church than I am when I go. I know right? I’m as taken back as most that will read this but let me get a better foundation for you of what a true christian is to be as I’ve read it for myself in the Gosples of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the bible.

First I believe the bible is truth, I believe that Jesus is God’s son that was sent for our sins, that He died, was resurrectied and is in heaven now. As I read the Jesus stories for myself I realized that most of what gets preached is wrong. I could post a million and one verses but you will skeem over it or scoff it off. I’m just gonna say get a bible or go to http://www.biblegateway.com/ and look it all up for yourself. The thing is you have to first put away the old way of thinking, of what’s been drilled in your head.

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What I found is that Jesus excepted EVERYONE, He NEVER judged anyone. Jesus hung out with the ones that didn't go to church, the ones that were shunned by the church. Jesus was the original outlaw! He preached blessings of love and acceptance, peace and understanding. To be a christian is to be "christ" like. Jesus is the Christ so to be like Jesus is to be loving, understanding, compassionate and unjudging. So my brother when I turned my life back to Christ was worried. Would I turn into a "them" person and he would lose his sister forever? Honestly I was going down that road. While in church I quit reading my bible, I quit praying as much. I didn't think really that I "needed" that one on one with Jesus anymore because I was in church now. Thing is I need Jesus and that one on one like I need water to survive! With all my anxiety and depression clinging to the cross and the hope of Jesus works better for me than any man made drug my doc could give me.

I talked to my brother just yesterday and he was glad we were gonna be okay. He was shocked too when I not only supported his religious views but also made it clear I support his gay lifestyle and the right for them to marry. I even showed my support publicly on my FB person page. I lost some "friends" on that one, but ya know what so did Jesus.

He drew a line in the sand and in front of a known prostitute said "he who is without sin, cast the first stone". Jesus came to save us, not judge us. God has rules, okay so you follow them or don't but that's between you and God NO ONE ELSE!

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To me being a christian is accepting and loving everyone for who they are and what they believe. Jesus saved me in more ways than one and not spreading His truth is just something I can’t keep from doing.

My last post was dated 1/28/13. If you’ve followed me for very long you know my history of deleting and coming back over and over again with FB in general. I had a page a couple of years ago and deleted it. I’ve almost deleted this one a few times only to hold on for one reason or another. At one time I even had a friend take over for a bit just because I needed a break. I think when we all start reading about someone else that we develop a kinship with this character, a friendship with some and then when they are gone its like a piece of our hearts have gone with them. I have felt this with some pages and friends that I’ve made through those pages. I’m so blessed to call some that I may never see in this world a very good friend!

I took the break from this page and FB for a while. After about two weeks I went back to my person page but giving myself rules: no notifications to my phone (it goes off all day long if I let it), only check it 2-4 times a day, and I would set my phone in the other room if I really needed to. Some days I did more than others. I wasn’t so much-needed a break from writing or this page but more a break of my heavy addiction to reading about others.

Staying in contact is great! Don’t get me wrong I am so very happy to be in contact with some friends and family from long ago, but when you have hundreds of friends and only about 15 of them actually respond to you then how many do you actually have. I have always been one to need a time of seclusion. All through my life I’d try my darndest to be the social butterfly I always dreamed of being only to have it all be too much and suffocating leading me to hide away to calm down and gather my thoughts in private. My “me” time is sorely needed! I’m blessed to have a husband that recognized and supports me in that too. Somedays he’ll pick up on it more than me, take the boys and leave me alone.

I’ve been journaling like crazy and all though these last couple weeks I couldn’t help but think of you. You know who you are, those ones out there that my words might help. The ones like me that read someone’s page and think, “thank you so much… I really needed to hear that. knowing that I’m not alone in this thought right now helps”. I have looked at self-help book after self-help book. I have scanned the shelves for worry/anxiety/depression books that fit my life and the craziness that I go through. There isn’t one yet. I’d have to say the closest that helped me so far was Joyce Meyer’s book “Battlefield of the Mind” however I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as she was. I was emotionally abused but that’s a whole different ballgame. What about the book that says “I’m depressed/have anxiety/worry about everything but nothing really has happened yet”? I almost have to laugh at myself and wonder what the heck is wrong with me! What happened in my life that caused such deep worry? I don’t have a mortgage, my husband and I live at home with Mom and Dad on the farm and we all take care of it together. I don’t worry about finances, oh we’re poor but we have a roof over our heads and clothes on our back, food on the table and we all love each other completely. I worry about death, pain, being alone. Has anything happened to make this a reason for me? What grand horridness happened to me to cause such grief? Nothing… yet.

Oh I had a minor car accident, no biggie most people have minor car accidents several times in their lives. I had major back problems that caused severe nerve pain but that was all healed and I still go to therapy for keeping things good, so no problem there now. My Grams died a little over four years ago, she was my greatest friend and 2nd Mom. She was healthy her whole life then BOOM cancer! Stage 4 colon cancer, nothing they or she could do. She tried chemo and it killed her. She died 6 days after my birthday and just killed me. See I didn’t have anyone die in my life as a child. Oh some super old aunties that I barely knew but no one really close to me ever died, that is up until my Grams. It devastated me! It still does some days. The emotional abuse from my biological father over the years hasn’t helped and the emotional abuse from living here with my father in law at times doesn’t help either. Religion has played such a huge role in my life that it’s almost destroyed my relationship with God.

I was raised to go against the church was to go against God. I wasn’t allowed to question anything and I wasn’t allowed to read the bible for myself because in doing so was questioning in itself. I’d have to say this is the main cause of my entire problems. I went away from God for a while but with His help I found my way back to Him and in reading the bible for myself I’ve learned the truth. God is love, God loves. God excerpts and wants us flaws and all! We just have to trust Him, and wowsers is that a hard one for me. Especially when the one person in your life that you trust 110%, your parents, crap on you. It really makes it hard to trust again, even God. I’m working on it though.

This is the help book I need. Not of one lady that’s middle class and is worried about her ladies group meeting, how she’s going to pay for her girls college or if her husband might not get that supper promotion because then they won’t get to go to Disney World again. I need a help book for me, for the low-class, dirt poor girl who never takes vacations, that doesn’t go anywhere but take the kids to school and doc appt’s and WalMart because gas is too much, that actually lives paycheck to paycheck with maybe a buck or two left over, that hasn’t really had anything too awful happen but just knows it could at any moment. So since there are no books like this for us “little” people I suppose I’ll just have to write one. In the mean time though I wanted to take up blogging again. For two reason’s: one, I’m a horrid procrastinator and big projects are my downfall so the whole book idea seems like a mountain I might not climb anytime soon but I’m working on it and two, what if your like me and want to buy the book but can’t afford it or think like I do about so many “is it really even going to help?”. So I’ll just blog for now, giving tid-bits and maybe it will help you as much as me.

For now I just pray God gives me the guidance, strength and courage.
And I take it one day at a time, Grams always said that and its seems like good words to live by.

Every year I make three new years resolutions.

new-years-resolutions

 

I make three because I figure if I at least follow through with one then I’m doing good. I never made resolutions before but since I’ve become a mother just in the last ten years or so I’ve started trying to make an effort to improve some things. In my family there is alot of “whoopla” over the new year and resolutions. Mostly negitive. However I’m always trying to make something possitive out of the negitive so since its ever been a stamp of negitivity I look forward to it most possitivly! In my best “Yoda” type voice I tell myself…

 

yoda1

So this year as I’ve overcome some great feats of negitivity and depression in the last couple years I find myself leaning toward more spiritually organization along with my crafting, LOL. My cave is somewhat disorganized due to all the massive creating I’ve been doing. I can do this I tell myself over and over. I made my lists and even bought a new notebook. I’m taking on the “less is more” aproach in compleating my tasks. No lists that have lists or fancy apps to help me with it all. I’m just going to take one day at a time, one task at a time. Simply and calmly I’m going to do this!

happy-new-year-greetings

Keeping Time

You know those tick tock clocks that just sway back and forth helping you keep time with the piano? If I close my eyes I can hear the soft tick tock, tick tock in the silence of my day. I try to focus on the beat of it to get just one step after another done. I get so overwhelmed with my lists of things to do that I hop from thing to thing and nothing ever gets done. So I listen and embrace the tick tock to help me through my day.

Running late for school, racing to get the kids up and around. Always in a hurry, hurry, hurry! Going to this function, attending this party, participating in this activity! GO! GO! GO! Time was my keeper and she wasn’t kind. I was so frustrated and stressed at it all. I felt like time was this evil end to me that was always on my mind. The clock was always clouding my vision to all other things around me.

When my oldest moved out and leaving me down to just two boys instead of three I thought it would be easier. It was harder at first and I raced even harder against time to keep my boys from feeling the heartache of missing their older brother. After a couple of months of racing my middle one, who had just assumed the role of oldest in the household, took me aside and said “Mama, lets just stay home.” My two little ones were okay with not running everywhere. They didn’t want to watch the clock for any reason what so ever. They just wanted to play and be outside and enjoy what ever life threw them that day and let the next be a new adventure! My boys taught me to relax and let go.

I never played the piano, I never played any instrument yet that soothing comfort of almost heartbeats I always found calming. With two little boys running a muck and living with Mama and Daddy still our house can get frazzled so easily. Chaos consumes my weekends so that when Monday comes I find my time-keeper and just breathe.

I met a girl that’s outgoing, full of life and fun, giving of herself to others so very much, doing above and beyond the call of her place. I like her and can see us being friends but for a little bit of who she is and the undertone of lies that surround her. She is my ex-husbands girlfriend, society says I should hate her, but I found a possible friend in the girl.

My son, 15, after always living with me wanted to go live with his father. As he was going to start High School a new chapter in his life, he was leaving the only home he knew. My heart broke but I understood his decision. I let my baby go and when I did I put away my thoughts of my ex and his girlfriend and tried to embrace them cordially in hopes of staying in my son’s life and choices he may make.

She took all the paper work I gave my ex, the paper work of doctors info, dentist, eyeglasses appt’s coming up, school and birth papers and so on. She took over my role as mother for my son and my heart broke. I saw my son only every two weeks, just as he had seen his father all the time he was living here. Each visit I saw him happier and happier and the broke pieces of my shattered mothers heart started to heal. Seeing your child happy is truly every mothers deepest wish. I couldn’t hate this girl, yes girl for she is half my age, even though everyone around me says I should. She was caring for my child, she was helping his father making him happy.

My thoughts went to being more friendly in hopes of getting even closer for the sake of my son. She is a bit more head strong than me and took the reigns from my ex. She’s the one I speak to more, she’s the one that is in control of my ex and my son. I don’t like it, I’ve always been control of my son and now its out of my hands. So I prayed and I pray still, God is in control not her and that gives me peace of mind.

I found out something disturbing this weekend. A lie that has been hidden that would have changed my allowance of his even being able to move there. At first I was angry, then hurt. It was her or even my ex that kept this from me but my son. He knew I wouldn’t let him go and he’s hated it here for so long that no matter what he was moving to his father’s house and away from here. Heartbreak happened again.

All I can do is pray. Pray that my son still comes to see me, pray that he makes all the right decisions, pray that God controls it all. But I can’t hater her or even my ex. Everyone has their own life to live as they see fit. I have different values than others and then others have different ones than me. I will stay cordial and friendly toward them because of my son, but we will not be friends.